Trashy Stupidity

There’s a habit so vile, a vice so loathsome that it can only be practiced by stupers (short, once again, for chronically stupid persons). I refer to the affliction known as… littering.

Human garbage dispensers regard the world as their personal waste bin. Teens drop food wrappers mere feet from brightly hued, easily viewed waste containers. Indifferent picnickers watch rubbish blow gently away in the wind. Car windows roll down not just for fresh air or to wave a hand or the finger, but to shamelessly spread trash. We’ve all witnessed pieces of litter carelessly pressed against a curb or intrusively entangled in the arms of weeds and shrubs. Littering is selfish stupidity at its height.

These stupers are not blind or hindered by a visible physical handicap. They could be suffering from DDD (Decent Disposal Disorder). Before I continue, those of you exceptionally intelligent readers may’ve noticed that I do spend a fair amount of time here diagnosing all sorts of maladies pertaining to stupers. It’s because I have a plan. I’m going to open my own pharmaceutical company and oversee the creation of drugs and medications directly relating to disorders suffered by stupers. These drugs will contain a slew of delicious side effects (i.e., vivid dreams featuring Jack Black, a propensity to mistake Pepto Bismol for red wine, a compulsive need to stalk mailboxes). I can’t wait to personally test some of these side effects myself, such as sudden impulse to gamble, or extreme desire to shop uncontrollably at Bloomingdale’s. But I digress.

Back to trashy stupidity:

A few days ago, I walked along a beach located in an affluent community. A respected university sits nearby; consequently, many college students reside in this town. As I strolled, I saw adventurous seagulls gliding beneath the start of a glowing sunset; shimmering waves wrinkling the smooth sea top; golden sand dented by three couches piled up, one on top of the other; a forlorn iron patio chair captured by a tangly piece of seaweed; random tires; picture frames and tennis rackets. Even a new motorcycle lay crushed and broken. Cast-off by counterfeit humans; dumped on the shore from the cliffs above. Discarded and forgotten like used toothpicks.

This profane spectacle was so disheartening that local television crews were on the spot interviewing distraught locals. The unsightly mess was likely deposited onto the beach from apartment buildings standing above. Undoubtedly, stupers lurked in and around these seemingly innocent structures.

I heard locals talk of remedies:

“I think the death penalty would make a strong statement.” “How about bringing back public floggings? We could even have a BBQ while we watched. Maybe get a TV deal.” “The landlords of the buildings should be responsible for renting to stupers.” “We’ll do what we’ve been doing all along. Pick up after them. We have to take back our beach.”

This last response was made by a thinking, intelligent being who led a volunteer cleaning crew. I asked the leader why he bothers cleaning up knowing the meager minded would deposit trash again and again.

“Maybe if enough of us did our part, these people would give up.”

I would have added that this beach belongs to all of us. It was here before we were and will be here long after. We all must share in the responsibility.

After interviewing a few of the landlords of the suspect buildings, I concluded that college students were the unworthy culprits.

I did say, in a previous post, that I don’t pick on the very young or the very old. I consider college age kids off-limits too. However, they must at least utilize common sense. They’re typically accepted to university because of keen mental faculties. There’s no excuse for regarding the beach as a dumpster. I think the university should require that students pick up the trash. That may prove a deterrent to littering in this case.

Meanwhile, should we pick up the droppings of the vacant minded or should we just shriek and stamp our feet? I hate to say it, but in order for intelligence to prevail, we must take control. Perhaps if enough of us did, these stupers would take to mimicry per the stampeding cow mentality. This refers to the fact that cattle do not think alone; they think en masse. Hence, they are only capable of imitating each other. Stupers, watching the intelligentsia clean-up, could take to doing it themselves. Isn’t it worth a try?

Think and grow smart!


3 Responses to “Trashy Stupidity”

  1. jacqueline says:

    I admit that I have always wanted to go to the University during move out day. I have heard that they just dump the stuff that they had in their dorms. Things like tv’s, lamps, refrigerators… you know things that you could actually use. I haven’t gone yet, but I would love to pick up a bit of the litter left behind!

  2. Julianne says:

    Worth a try, yes, but the sheer volume of trashy stupers in East Tennessee (most of them of the cigarette butt tossing variety) might be an insurmountable obstacle.

    What can one do in a state where 40 percent of pregnant women (a statistic given to me by my OB) continue to smoke for the duration of their pregnancies?

    I think the stuper headquarters might just be down the road from my house.

  3. Keli says:

    Perhaps you could combine picking among the leftover litter with a beach picnic should you ever come this way. Be sure and bring a large truck as they don’t fool around with the small stuff around here.

    Perhaps I should conduct the bulk of my stuper research in East Tennessee. Maybe I’ll even open my pharmaceutical company down the street from you.

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