Dissecting Stupidity

I’m astounded by the number of people who assume that everyone out there is stupid, but themselves. They don’t use their brains, so no one else does either.

Today, we are going to dabble in the biology of stupidity. Specifically, dissection. More precisely, the dissection of the hibernating brain of a stuper (that’s right; short for an irretrievably stupid person). The materials we’ll need are mostly everyday household items:

– chloroform (available at many local hospitals)
– gauze or hanky
– black lab coat (white is so passé; no one needs to view blood stains)
– scalpel (perhaps your local surgeon would lend you his/her’s; explain that it’s for a biology experiment)
– needle and skin tone colored thread
– specimen

Optional: water, towel, clean sheet, beer or other lure

Experiment works best if done in a densely wooded, under populated area.

Background on specimen:

Mr Z is a golf dad and head of the local junior golf league. His specialty is picking on and criticizing kids on said league. He figures, mistakenly, that youngsters won’t talk back to him or tell their parents. The fear factor prevents him from picking on adults who may beat him to a pulp. Mr Z recently caught my attention when he had the misfortune of picking on my junior golfer. Had I a hammer handy and a stepping stool (Mr Z is tall), I would gladly have created a sizeable bump atop Mr. Z’s head to jolt the dolt into thinking.

I cannot deny that despite being a certifiable expert on stupidity, I periodically feel pangs of anger when stupidity rears its hollow head. More so when my children are victimized by stupers.

Mr Z lives on the local private course, which, coincidentally, is located in a wooded area where only deer and bunnies roam. I carefully picked out a remote section and popped open a can of beer. Within fifteen seconds, Mr Z appeared. His puzzled look immediately disappeared once he took his first swig. I spread out a towel and sat, while he commenced his criticisms.

“You know that kid, Tommy? With the amount of golf lessons he takes, you think he’d play like Tiger by now instead of swingin’ like a slippery seal.” “Can you believe they put Mike on the Varsity team? I don’t want to say anything, but that kid couldn’t hit a ball if it was beach-sized….”

Thirteen beers later, he was all mine. As he fell over, I noticed he wasn’t exactly a perfect physical specimen. His mid section would fit comfortably in any Lamaze class. But I digress.

This is what I observed upon examining Mr. Z’s brain:

His brain, you’ll note, has shrunken from disuse and misuse, to the size of a walnut. The rest of the space is empty. However, the shade of pink is quite attractive. The average brain weighs 1300 grams. I’d peg Mr Z’s at .24 grams (not unlike the average bullfrog). The typical amount of neurons in the brain of an authentic human is 100 billion. In Mr Z’s brain, as in most minds of counterfeit humans, I counted 350 neurons(equal to that in each segmental ganglia in the common leech).

When Mr Z came to, he asked no questions, as he suffered from a massive headache. He didn’t even notice the stitches.

This dismantling of the stupid mind took all of forty seconds. As you can see, there’s not much to work with.

Every time we permit a stuper to cause disquiet in our thoughts or deeds, we are helping them along in their singular ability of disrupting the lives of thinking people. Let’s use stupers for all their worth: their entertainment value. Make sure you focus your energy on making yourself better, not on the defects of deficient minds.

Think first, last and always!



6 Responses to “Dissecting Stupidity”

  1. Agnes Mildew says:

    If I arrange a flight and new identity for you, will you come to the UK and perform your surgery on some candidates for me? Namely, my ex, the ex before him, and the ex before that who was a total drip, my ex best friend who went off with my 2nd to last ex, my ex boss and the dog next door but one which howls incessantly – if it had another brain cell it would be a plant.

    I will reward you richly for your efforts.

  2. Keli says:

    I’ve always wanted to visit the UK. Taking apart the brain of a stuper is reward enough for me. And don’t worry about a new identity; I’m already undercover.

  3. Agnes Mildew says:

    Keli, I have spent ages reading through your posts and I can quite honestly say they are utterly hilarious: very, very witty, and so acerbic. My type of humour, totally! I was given an award today, and should like to now pass it on. Please visit here and scroll down in the side bar for the Rockin’ Girl Blogger award. I think you just right click and copy it, to be honest!

  4. Did you abort the fetus prior to the brain surgery?

  5. M.C. says:

    I only have orange thread at home. Do you think anyone would notice if I used it to sew the forehead back in place?

  6. cardiogirl says:

    Lead by example I always say.

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