Stupidity Attempts Conversation During Dinner

Ah! What an enormous pleasure it is to feast on a sumptuous meal in excellent company. Unfortunately, nothing can deflate a delectable dining experience faster than doleful, depressing subject matter, i.e., when a stuper (that’s right; short again for an egregiously stupid person) spills the measly contents of its meager mind on the table. The unintelligent excel in spreading rubbish, diminishing all flavor and appetite. Allow me to demonstrate:

I attended a dinner party and shared a table with eight wonderful family members. We discussed our children, the weather, pets, books we’ve skimmed, recipes we’ve altered and social encounters we wished we could have skimmed or altered.

In addition to the eight pleasing relations, there sat two seasoned, industrious and steadfast stupers among us: Iris (who’s been studying the Bible for over three decades and has made, I ‘m afraid, not a shred of progress), and Gil, a fifty-three-year old bachelor/trust fund recipient/atheist.

My cousin, Scott, discussed filming his surfing documentary when he unintentionally grabbed the ears of the hollow headed:

Scott: I filmed these huge waves in Pebble Beach last week and…

Gil: I heard about the surfer that got killed there on Tuesday. Is that when you were there?

Scott: Oh yes, that…

Iris: Someone was killed? (She poked her nose in, interrupting herself while in mid conversation with my aunt).

Gil (to Scott): Did you know him?

Scott: I was there because the waves were really high…

Iris: Did you see the body?

Gil: You think you could have saved him?

Iris: How did it make you feel?

Scott: Well…

Iris: Did you get it on film?

Scott: I didn’t even know anything happened ’til much later.

Iris: You can sell the film to a TV station.

Scott caught my eye.

Me: It’s not right to profit that way.

Scott: No, I don’t think so either.

I, stupidity specialist that I humbly am, had intuitively tuned out the beginning of this conversation until the very end when I heard Iris suggest selling the footage. Then I had to put my foot down. Unfortunately for Iris, I was wearing four-inch heels (the kind that needs to be sharpened with a file now and then), and she wore rubbery sandals. Thankfully, paramedics were not necessary.

Meal times, especially at festive affairs, should be mirthful, relaxing occasions. Conversations should lean toward the lightweight and harmonious.

There are three ways to handle those who wish to discuss distressing news at the dinner table:

  1. gently steer the conversation back to a different, more palatable topic;
  2. scold the stuper for his/her attempt at spoiling everyone’s appetite; or
  3. get up from your seat with your filled beverage glass, walk over to the stuper and pour out the liquid over the stuper’s head..accidentally, of course.

Common sense is not so common ~ Voltaire

Think for yourself.


7 Responses to “Stupidity Attempts Conversation During Dinner”

  1. Agnes Mildew says:

    My brush with dinner date stupidity actually occurred at my wedding. My ex’s family were a rather diverse bunch: his father being an ardent racist and his wonderful maternal grandmother being a bleeding heart liberalist in her 80s. Somebody allowed them to sit next to each other. So when the conversation turned to the lack of employment in the UK and Bernard stated that it was because Jonny Foreigner was taking all the jobs, sparks certainly flew. Especially when Granny retorted that Bernard hadn’t worked in 20 years because he was on the social…My family, The Scousers, were the ones expected to cause trouble. They were as good as gold! Stupers come in different guises, don’t they?

  2. SSM says:

    If I hadn’t been there, I would have thought this was exaggerated. But I know it’s not.

  3. Keli says:

    Stupers are often unpredictable. That’s what makes defense problematic!
    I realized once I had written this post, there were a lot of details I’d left out because I thought no one would believe me! I think Iris needs to go into rehab.

  4. Suzie says:

    I like your number 3 solution. I would do the same . Accidentally of course.

  5. Mary says:

    I vote for #3. But don’t use wine. That’s for drinking in the event #3 doesn’t work.

  6. Julianne says:

    Number three is really the only option.

  7. paula stanley says:

    I don’t like the your number 1 solution, far too gentle. I believe #1 should read as follows:

    1) Bitch slap the intrusive idiot(s) until they bleed or spit up which ever one happens first. The reason for the severity you ask? Because they MUST be stopped at once from ever doing this again, trust me, they’ll always remember the “stinger”. I hope I’ve been of great help!

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