Stupidity Stops

January 18, 2008 by Keli.

I’m willing to bet that the majority of my 3.5 readers knows what a doorstop is. For any who may not, a good guess will do. I have several doorstops in my home preventing bedroom doors from creating a ruckus every time a breeze blows through an open window. Now, how many of you know what a door stuper (short for a noticeably stupid person) is?

Consider this: a stuper is walking. He/she decides to enter a busy department store. But instead of entering, the meager mind stops in the very center of the entrance door, and commences to pitch his tent, lodging himself in such a way that no one else may enter or exit, blocking any hope of passage. There is a reason why tables, chairs, and magazine stands are not typically located in thresholds. Alas, stupers have yet to grasp this fine point.

This type of standoff also occurs on sidewalks where two or more human impediments stop, side by side, to chitchat, oblivious to the existence of others. They too neither come or go. They just halt, making others around them do the same. Cows sometimes pause on the road, refusing to budge for passing cars. Hence the need for cow grids. Do we need stuper grids?

The same thing happens at entries to buses or subways where the intellectually impoverished hover in the doorway so no one else can pass. Is it a power trip of some sort? No. It’s unawareness.

I’m afraid I’ve stopped and blocked on the sidewalk to catchup with a friend, but it only takes a moment to realize I’m getting in the way of others before I move. Stupers don’t stir. They could possibly remain where they’re standing for the rest of their lives.

There a few ways to manage such stationary stupidity. Try saying, “excuse me” in a voice meant to yell “fire!” in a baseball stadium. If the stuper(s) remains immobile, take a few steps back, get off to a flying start if necessary, and push past. If there is no room to get by, try purchasing a bull horn ($23.95) to get their attention. Of course, this will get everyone else’s attention too.

Finally, in emergency situations, you may want to invest in a mini or petite stun gun ($69.95), that’s the size of a pack of cigarettes. It’s easy to carry and packs up to “900,000 volts of debilitating, unyielding power.” Batteries are not included, but a charming little holster is.

Most people would die sooner than think; in fact, they do. ~ Bertrand Russell

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Plain Old Fashioned Stupidity | 4 Comments »