Stupidity Stops

I’m willing to bet that the majority of my 3.5 readers knows what a doorstop is. For any who may not, a good guess will do. I have several doorstops in my home preventing bedroom doors from creating a ruckus every time a breeze blows through an open window. Now, how many of you know what a door stuper (short for a noticeably stupid person) is?

Consider this: a stuper is walking. He/she decides to enter a busy department store. But instead of entering, the meager mind stops in the very center of the entrance door, and commences to pitch his tent, lodging himself in such a way that no one else may enter or exit, blocking any hope of passage. There is a reason why tables, chairs, and magazine stands are not typically located in thresholds. Alas, stupers have yet to grasp this fine point.

This type of standoff also occurs on sidewalks where two or more human impediments stop, side by side, to chitchat, oblivious to the existence of others. They too neither come or go. They just halt, making others around them do the same. Cows sometimes pause on the road, refusing to budge for passing cars. Hence the need for cow grids. Do we need stuper grids?

The same thing happens at entries to buses or subways where the intellectually impoverished hover in the doorway so no one else can pass. Is it a power trip of some sort? No. It’s unawareness.

I’m afraid I’ve stopped and blocked on the sidewalk to catchup with a friend, but it only takes a moment to realize I’m getting in the way of others before I move. Stupers don’t stir. They could possibly remain where they’re standing for the rest of their lives.

There a few ways to manage such stationary stupidity. Try saying, “excuse me” in a voice meant to yell “fire!” in a baseball stadium. If the stuper(s) remains immobile, take a few steps back, get off to a flying start if necessary, and push past. If there is no room to get by, try purchasing a bull horn ($23.95) to get their attention. Of course, this will get everyone else’s attention too.

Finally, in emergency situations, you may want to invest in a mini or petite stun gun ($69.95), that’s the size of a pack of cigarettes. It’s easy to carry and packs up to “900,000 volts of debilitating, unyielding power.” Batteries are not included, but a charming little holster is.

Most people would die sooner than think; in fact, they do. ~ Bertrand Russell

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

4 Responses to “Stupidity Stops”

  1. Sarah says:

    OMG,these stupers can be so annoying especially when they stop in the middle of an entrance. I can’t even tell you how many get me on the sidewalk in the city. It’s like walking through a maze!

  2. This really annoys me. So do people who insist on talking in groups while walking and walk vvvvveeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy sssssssllllllllooooooowwwwwwwwwwllllllllllyyyyyyyyy. Although, sometimes I think the problem is just that I want to walk too fast. But, considering it’s usually when I’m walking to and from class, I have to wonder if they realize they’re on a college campus, they’re blocking all foot traffic, and people are in a hurry to learn.

    Okay, since they don’t actually care about learning and just want a piece of paper with their names on it, they probably don’t think like that.

  3. paula stanley says:

    I prefer a more inexpensive method. Carry a shovel with you at all times ($9.99). You can smack them in the head with it (hard), or if used diagonally, you can “kill” two birds with one stone and and it can also be used to shovel the dirt with!!!

  4. when i was a teenager and out with the family on a shopping excursion (oh, how i hate shopping) my sister and i used to fake tourette’s when idiots blocked our way. i admit now that it’s far from p.c but it really did work incredibly well….much to our mother’s embarrassment.

    also, i find that standing right behind them and saying nothing makes them shift pretty quickly. not menacingly but rather like a robot which has reached the edge of a room and is unable to compute what to do next.

    i should just say that i would never use these practices with normal, socially conscious people! these are reserved for the socially retarded.

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