The world is full of wits, half-wits and dimwits. I came across yet another esteemed member of the latter category yesterday when I paid a visit to the Butcher. Alas, this writer found herself standing in front of a counter manned by a profoundly stupid person (stuper, for short).
My mission was to purchase two, two and one-half (2 1/2) pound roasts. Do any of my dear readers not understand this last statement? For the Butcher most certainly did not. The following is a verbatim transcript of our conversation:
Me: I would like two, two and one-half pound chuck roasts, please. Do you have any?
Butcher: We have a lot in the back. I’ll go and get them. Two, two and one-half pound roasts, right?
Me: Yes, please.
(Butcher left and returned promptly with the goods).
Butcher: Two, three and one-half pound roasts here for you.
Me: No. Two, two and one-half pounders is what I requested.
Butcher: Three and one-half?
Me: No, two and one-half.
Butcher: Three and one-half?
Me: Two and one-half.
(Butcher suddenly pulled himself up, rearing up in his baggy, white, slightly blood-stained pants and waved his hands, one of which held a cleaver).
Butcher: THREE AND ONE-HALF?
(I counter gestured, firmly holding up two fingers).
Me: Two and one-half.
And so we played verbal ping-pong and reached a stalemate while providing a ludicrous sideshow for spectator-shoppers.
I did not want to squander any more time or energy on what had become a vexing, time-consuming attempt to buy two roasts, yet I wanted what I’d come for. It was the last day of the chuck roast sale.
I steadfastly remained indifferent to his insistent cries of “Three and one-half!” A simple request had spiraled into a bizarre battle of the wills.
Finally, the exhausted Butcher disappeared into the back once more and soon returned, holding one roast.
Butcher: This is two and three-quarters. Is that okay?
He was offering me a compromise of sorts. A peace offering. I nodded my agreement.
Butcher: Only one?
I glanced at the cleaver sitting on the worktable behind him.
I’m certain there are those of you who may think that the above tale was possibly imagined or even exaggerated by me, but you must believe me when I say it is the truth. This was not a farce. I was hoping I’d have some evidence to offer you, but we ate it for dinner last night.
Take time to think.
Keli
Keli@Counterfeithumans.com
There are more fools in the world than there are people. ~ Heinrich Heine