Stupidity in Numbers or Trying to Purchase a Roast from a Stuper

The world is full of wits, half-wits and dimwits. I came across yet another esteemed member of the latter category yesterday when I paid a visit to the Butcher. Alas, this writer found herself standing in front of a counter manned by a profoundly stupid person (stuper, for short).

My mission was to purchase two, two and one-half (2 1/2) pound roasts. Do any of my dear readers not understand this last statement? For the Butcher most certainly did not. The following is a verbatim transcript of our conversation:

Me: I would like two, two and one-half pound chuck roasts, please. Do you have any?

Butcher: We have a lot in the back. I’ll go and get them. Two, two and one-half pound roasts, right?

Me: Yes, please.

(Butcher left and returned promptly with the goods).

Butcher: Two, three and one-half pound roasts here for you.

Me: No. Two, two and one-half pounders is what I requested.

Butcher: Three and one-half?

Me: No, two and one-half.

Butcher: Three and one-half?

Me: Two and one-half.

(Butcher suddenly pulled himself up, rearing up in his baggy, white, slightly blood-stained pants and waved his hands, one of which held a cleaver).

Butcher: THREE AND ONE-HALF?

(I counter gestured, firmly holding up two fingers).

Me: Two and one-half.

And so we played verbal ping-pong and reached a stalemate while providing a ludicrous sideshow for spectator-shoppers.

I did not want to squander any more time or energy on what had become a vexing, time-consuming attempt to buy two roasts, yet I wanted what I’d come for. It was the last day of the chuck roast sale.

I steadfastly remained indifferent to his insistent cries of “Three and one-half!” A simple request had spiraled into a bizarre battle of the wills.

Finally, the exhausted Butcher disappeared into the back once more and soon returned, holding one roast.

Butcher: This is two and three-quarters. Is that okay?

He was offering me a compromise of sorts. A peace offering. I nodded my agreement.

Butcher: Only one?

I glanced at the cleaver sitting on the worktable behind him.

Me: Yes, thank you.

I’m certain there are those of you who may think that the above tale was possibly imagined or even exaggerated by me, but you must believe me when I say it is the truth. This was not a farce. I was hoping I’d have some evidence to offer you, but we ate it for dinner last night.

Take time to think.

Keli
Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

There are more fools in the world than there are people. ~ Heinrich Heine

10 Responses to “Stupidity in Numbers or Trying to Purchase a Roast from a Stuper”

  1. dawn says:

    You should have spelled it out for him… literally… on paper.. hehehehehe 🙂

  2. Jillian says:

    Oh good grief! I hate to say it, but I probably would have purchased the two three and a half pound roasts. I generally try to get what I want when I ask for something, but my patience often runs out!

    But, I just don’t get what was so hard about what you asked for. LOL… that guy was a douche!

  3. Suzie says:

    I believe you Keli.
    I went to a nursery to buy a hanging plant. I asked the sales person if they had any hanging baskets? He looked puzzled and said to me: “I have hanging baskets against the wall.” I looked at the place where he pointed out they were empty baskets.
    I said, “I want a basket with hanging flowers inside.” He said, “Then buy flowers and put them in.” I said, “thank you,” and left. What do you call that? Stupidity.

  4. Dan says:

    Keli,
    This is hilarious! Can’t believe such stuper exist. You should have used the cleaver!

  5. Paulyn says:

    Hahaha… another test to the unwavering patience of my dear friend Keli! You are amazing, as always!

  6. damon says:

    Never argue with a guy holding a cleaver and wearing a blood-stained apron. (I think I read that on a fortune cookie)

  7. This could have been a Saturday Night Live skit/

    You should have said okay, just give me one. Then turned around and said, “Can I please have another one.” maybe he would have got it.”)
    Maribeth

  8. don says:

    Hilarious! I read that three and a half times!

  9. Jennifer says:

    Oh, girl … mercy me, I have had experiences like that at retail outlets … you should have seen me at Wal-Mart once, trying to get the girl at the deli to tell me how many days’ heads-up she would need to prepare several party trays for my daughter’s graduation party. All I could get out of her was how terribly busy they were … ??!!?? … I finally gave up, went home, called the store manager, complained, and got all my trays on time for half price. Maybe I’ll start a chapter of Citizens United Against Stupidity … man I love this blog …

  10. Gina Simmons says:

    Just reading about your experience makes me want to become a vegetarian.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.