Stupidity in Numbers or Trying to Purchase a Roast from a Stuper

The world is full of wits, half-wits and dimwits. I came across yet another esteemed member of the latter category yesterday when I paid a visit to the Butcher. Alas, this writer found herself standing in front of a counter manned by a profoundly stupid person (stuper, for short).

My mission was to purchase two, two and one-half (2 1/2) pound roasts. Do any of my dear readers not understand this last statement? For the Butcher most certainly did not. The following is a verbatim transcript of our conversation:

Me: I would like two, two and one-half pound chuck roasts, please. Do you have any?

Butcher: We have a lot in the back. I’ll go and get them. Two, two and one-half pound roasts, right?

Me: Yes, please.

(Butcher left and returned promptly with the goods).

Butcher: Two, three and one-half pound roasts here for you.

Me: No. Two, two and one-half pounders is what I requested.

Butcher: Three and one-half?

Me: No, two and one-half.

Butcher: Three and one-half?

Me: Two and one-half.

(Butcher suddenly pulled himself up, rearing up in his baggy, white, slightly blood-stained pants and waved his hands, one of which held a cleaver).


(I counter gestured, firmly holding up two fingers).

Me: Two and one-half.

And so we played verbal ping-pong and reached a stalemate while providing a ludicrous sideshow for spectator-shoppers.

I did not want to squander any more time or energy on what had become a vexing, time-consuming attempt to buy two roasts, yet I wanted what I’d come for. It was the last day of the chuck roast sale.

I steadfastly remained indifferent to his insistent cries of “Three and one-half!” A simple request had spiraled into a bizarre battle of the wills.

Finally, the exhausted Butcher disappeared into the back once more and soon returned, holding one roast.

Butcher: This is two and three-quarters. Is that okay?

He was offering me a compromise of sorts. A peace offering. I nodded my agreement.

Butcher: Only one?

I glanced at the cleaver sitting on the worktable behind him.

Me: Yes, thank you.

I’m certain there are those of you who may think that the above tale was possibly imagined or even exaggerated by me, but you must believe me when I say it is the truth. This was not a farce. I was hoping I’d have some evidence to offer you, but we ate it for dinner last night.

Take time to think.


There are more fools in the world than there are people. ~ Heinrich Heine

10 Responses to “Stupidity in Numbers or Trying to Purchase a Roast from a Stuper”

  1. dawn says:

    You should have spelled it out for him… literally… on paper.. hehehehehe 🙂

  2. Jillian says:

    Oh good grief! I hate to say it, but I probably would have purchased the two three and a half pound roasts. I generally try to get what I want when I ask for something, but my patience often runs out!

    But, I just don’t get what was so hard about what you asked for. LOL… that guy was a douche!

  3. Suzie says:

    I believe you Keli.
    I went to a nursery to buy a hanging plant. I asked the sales person if they had any hanging baskets? He looked puzzled and said to me: “I have hanging baskets against the wall.” I looked at the place where he pointed out they were empty baskets.
    I said, “I want a basket with hanging flowers inside.” He said, “Then buy flowers and put them in.” I said, “thank you,” and left. What do you call that? Stupidity.

  4. Dan says:

    This is hilarious! Can’t believe such stuper exist. You should have used the cleaver!

  5. Paulyn says:

    Hahaha… another test to the unwavering patience of my dear friend Keli! You are amazing, as always!

  6. damon says:

    Never argue with a guy holding a cleaver and wearing a blood-stained apron. (I think I read that on a fortune cookie)

  7. This could have been a Saturday Night Live skit/

    You should have said okay, just give me one. Then turned around and said, “Can I please have another one.” maybe he would have got it.”)

  8. don says:

    Hilarious! I read that three and a half times!

  9. Jennifer says:

    Oh, girl … mercy me, I have had experiences like that at retail outlets … you should have seen me at Wal-Mart once, trying to get the girl at the deli to tell me how many days’ heads-up she would need to prepare several party trays for my daughter’s graduation party. All I could get out of her was how terribly busy they were … ??!!?? … I finally gave up, went home, called the store manager, complained, and got all my trays on time for half price. Maybe I’ll start a chapter of Citizens United Against Stupidity … man I love this blog …

  10. Gina Simmons says:

    Just reading about your experience makes me want to become a vegetarian.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.