Stupidity in Scientific Studies

As many of you know by now, stupers are absolute and utter idiots. The term “stuper” is the conjugation, or coming together, of the terms, stupid and person; hence, stuper is the abbreviation for an unsympathetically stupid person.

Stupers possess no wisdom, sensitivity, shrewdness or deep thought. They’re the ones who regularly and persistently make inane comments and act in ways certain to cause annoyance to others. If there was a Richter scale that measured stupidity, the magnitude of their idiocy would be equal to an earthquake that wiped out not only Japan, but the entire continent of Asia, as well as parts of North Africa and the lower Mediterranean.

Now to my point: scientific studies are sometimes conducted with the assistance of rats, mice and other animals who display intelligence. Intelligence that could very well surpass that of the average, or even above average, stuper.

I think most of us would better maintain our sanity if stupers were put to good use in these studies, replacing the rats and mice, who I’m certain, have better things to do (unlike stupers). Therefore, I propose that scientists substitute stupers for these little critters, whenever possible. I’ve even designed a study for which I think stupers would be perfectly suited:

Phase 1 – Instead of placing mice in cages with exercise wheels and toys, place stupers in rooms with puzzles and books. Once they’ve mastered completing two puzzles and one book, they move on to the next level.

Phase 2 – Here, each stuper is monitored by a scientist who engages the meager mind in conversation that requires the exercise of listening capabilities and exhibition of thought. Should the stuper fail to listen and answer a question properly, he/she is given a slight shock. Not enough to require hospitalization, but the equivalent of a pinch on one’s bottom, such as one might receive while shopping in the open air market in Puerto Vallarta (I speak from personal experience).

Phase 3 – Once Phase 2 is successfully conquered, the stuper is placed in a public setting, such as on a city sidewalk or a Walmart, and closely observed over a two-day period. If the stuper slips back into stupidity, the experiment must be started over again. And therein lies the flaw in utilizing stupers in any experiment. A rat or mouse finds a way to get off the perpetually turning wheel. Alas, this is not true for stupers. Stupidity is a way of life.

This means that the rest of us must continue to exercise vigilant thought and awareness, at least until I can come up with an experiment that will successfully re-train stupers.

Thinking is a choice.


7 Responses to “Stupidity in Scientific Studies”

  1. Jennifer says:

    Keli, I couldn’t wait to tell you about my stuper experience today. I’m at Sam’s Club, bellied up to the jewelry counter, eyeing some special earrings — stylish but classy bling, not too expensive — that I think my daughter might like to have for her upcoming 25th birthday. But apparently I am invisible, at least to stupers, because although there was an individual (presumably an employee of the Walton empire) behind the counter, she was engaged in some activity involving small plastic pouches and ignored me for a full ten minutes. When I finally asked (not rudely) if it was Sam’s Club’s policy to ignore potential customers, her eyes widened innocently and she said: “Oh, I didn’t even see you.” (Apparently I AM invisible …) … she then made no move to come and offer me aid, but elaborated that she “doesn’t usually work in jewelry.” Riiiiight … you don’t work in jewelry … I suspect you just don’t work.

    Got that off my chest! Thanks luv! Night night! ~Jennifer

  2. don says:

    Keli The difficulty here is that often the funding for these scientists is awarded by the stupers.

  3. Jillian says:

    And here I thought you finally had a viable solution! Darn.

  4. Keli says:

    I had to lie down while reading about your encounter. I’m sorry you had to learn the hard way that stupidity not only can’t listen, but it’s blind too. You are not invisible. And stupidity always makes excuses.
    So true. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.
    Me too! So close, and yet so far away.

  5. damon says:

    If you just cranked up the volts on the shock collar, the rest of us could easily recognize the stupers and avoid them.

  6. dawn says:

    Keli… ever think about running the world? I’d vote for you 🙂

  7. Keli says:

    Brilliant suggestion. I’ll just have to wear to sedate them before bringing on the major shock treatment. Not only so they don’t feel the pain, but so they don’t see who is giving it to them.
    Thank you! As soon as I completely wipe out all traces of stupidity on this planet (or at least on this continent), I’ll think about running the world.

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