Strife in the Fast Lane or When Idiot Drivers Get in the Way

I think I’ve found a permanent cure. No, not for baldness, nosy neighbors or compulsive liars, but for a far more pressing matter: idiot drivers. At least some of them, anyway.

Our highway system is tainted with incorrigibles, particularly in the fast lane. Sluggish drivers have mercilessly maligned the roadway system. Although we are mostly a tolerant society, such unmitigated dawdling must be addressed. The United States has tried to free countries and people from injustice. Why not the fast lane?


Case in Point:

Car #2 locked lips on Car #1’s fender in the fast lane. Such intimacy resembled either a tow job or a flagrant display of exhaust pipe tag. Tail-gaiting is no defense and a nasty crime by itself, but I must say that #1 maintained an empty space in front of it equal to four tourist-size buses. The legal speed limit was sixty-five mph. I clocked #1 at forty-two mph. The flow of fast lane traffic was officially clogged as nine vehicles trailed #1.

I’ve helplessly watched vehicles enter the freeway, perform a slick sideways maneuver into the highly coveted fast lane, and proceed to take up knitting. But no longer. I am sending a memorandum to the Department of Transportation outlining my solution. First , I will reiterate that the fast lane is not for:

– cruisers;
– sightseers seeking to view the action on the opposing side;
– multi-taskers;
– damaged or carelessly looked after automobiles; or
– vehicles with dysfunctional engines who sit in the fast lane to garner attention to their plight.

The fast lane is for:

– drivers in a hurry who lawfully operate their car, and do not place surrounding vehicles in jeopardy, cause aggravation or a sudden rise in blood pressure to other autoists; and
– those who wish to do a quick pass and resume in the second lane.

Now for the cure: I propose that the Department of Transportation create an even faster lane with stiff penalties for mindless motorists driving below the posted speed limit. Pecuniary penalties may not be harsh enough; imprisonment may be overly punitive. Therefore, I respectfully suggest an entirely new means of punishment:

A special task force or patrol unit should be created whose sole purpose is to monitor drivers in this new and improved faster lane. This Faster Lane Patrol will not carry traditional weaponry, but instead be equipped with markers, akin to paint-ball rifles. These non-lethal, non-staining, low-mess markers would place a temporary stain on laggards, not unlike a scarlet letter, for all to witness (removable by a good scrubbing or two or three).

Expertly trained sharp shooters would mark sluggish vehicles in colors such as chartreuse or light thulian pink, both intriguing hues, seldom chosen for the outside (or inside) of cars. I believe that such public designation of dawdlers would deter entry into this new and improved lane. Liberation of the fast lane can be a reality. And least that’s the argument I’m sticking with in my memo to the Department of Transportation.

Thoughts rule the world.


5 Responses to “Strife in the Fast Lane or When Idiot Drivers Get in the Way”

  1. Jillian says:

    LOL… I am SO with you! Anyone caught driving slow in the FAST lane should be tarred and feathered!

  2. Reilly says:

    Hilarious! I think you should definitely send this memo. Sluggish drivers are supposed to get tickets if they’re in the fast lane, but they never do. Sharp shooter markers would do the job!

  3. Jennifer says:

    Good luck with this, hunny! **DRIVES AWAY, FAST**

  4. dawn says:

    Okay.. now I want a job with the Faster Lane Patrol. Imagine going to work every day and LOVING your job 🙂

  5. Suzie says:

    Any one who is driving behind the laggards, in the fast lane, deserves a purple heart for not shooting them (at their tires, anyway).

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