Archive for April, 2008

Stupidity Throws a Wedding

Saturday, April 5th, 2008

Stupers (short yet again, for unquestionably stupid persons), have an uncanny knack for turning the people around them into stupers too. Here’s an e-mail I received that confirms this statement:

Dear Keli:

I don’t know if I’m the stuper or my aunty-in-law is. I’d like to think it’s Aunty. I’m hoping you can tell me so I can move on and stop feeling upset.

My cousin, Tamara, is getting married next month. Her parents, Aunty and Uncle, have invited over 200 people to the wedding reception. I was disappointed to discover that my daughter was not included. I’m pretty sure other nieces and nephews are invited.

Tamara and her siblings were all part of my daughter’s wedding party. When Tamara was little, my daughter babysat her and took her to the movies, etc.

Any time, there is any sort of a family party, Aunty calls the host(s) and tells them to invite her freaking bro. So we always include her brother.

Aunty is super phony, superficial and is into designer labels. She once carried around her Gucci purse’s certificate of authenticity to pull out should she need to prove that it was no phony. The purse was real; Aunty is the phony. My uncle is a cardiac specialist and has been for thirty years, so they’re very well off. Aunty tries to act sweetly and expects everyone to act the same to her. If she feels they don’t, she’s easily miffed. My daughter has been candid with her a few times, so she’s not high on Aunty’s list.

Anyway, I’m disappointed that my daughter wasn’t included, and I can’t seem to get over it. I don’t want to go to this wedding, but my mother, who is Uncle’s sister, is forcing me. I feel like Aunty is on a power trip. So is my mom.

I don’t want to talk to Aunty about it because that will only fuel her power trip. What should I do to feel better? I have visions of bi*ch slapping her.

Sincerely,

Mom that was stabbed in the back by a stuper who is also her aunty

Dear Mom:

You don’t mention how your daughter feels about not being invited. If your daughter is okay with the lack of an invite, so should you. You should be happy for Tamara and focus on that thought rather than what or who you believe is missing from the wedding.

Perhaps you are taking this too personally. If your aunt and uncle are throwing the party, the choice of invitees is their’s. You are obviously aware of your aunt’s bouts of idiocy and have been for a very long time. Her overlooking your daughter should have come as no surprise.

Your own thoughts are making you upset. If you want to be a more intelligent person than your aunt, act like one. Although slapping might give you temporary relief, violence is not the answer. Do not allow a stuper to bring out the worst in you.

He that lets the small things bind him, leaves the great undone behind him. ~ Piet Hein

Think for yourself.

Keli
Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Strife in the Fast Lane or When Idiot Drivers Get in the Way

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008

I think I’ve found a permanent cure. No, not for baldness, nosy neighbors or compulsive liars, but for a far more pressing matter: idiot drivers. At least some of them, anyway.

Our highway system is tainted with incorrigibles, particularly in the fast lane. Sluggish drivers have mercilessly maligned the roadway system. Although we are mostly a tolerant society, such unmitigated dawdling must be addressed. The United States has tried to free countries and people from injustice. Why not the fast lane?

Driver01

Case in Point:

Car #2 locked lips on Car #1’s fender in the fast lane. Such intimacy resembled either a tow job or a flagrant display of exhaust pipe tag. Tail-gaiting is no defense and a nasty crime by itself, but I must say that #1 maintained an empty space in front of it equal to four tourist-size buses. The legal speed limit was sixty-five mph. I clocked #1 at forty-two mph. The flow of fast lane traffic was officially clogged as nine vehicles trailed #1.

I’ve helplessly watched vehicles enter the freeway, perform a slick sideways maneuver into the highly coveted fast lane, and proceed to take up knitting. But no longer. I am sending a memorandum to the Department of Transportation outlining my solution. First , I will reiterate that the fast lane is not for:

– cruisers;
– sightseers seeking to view the action on the opposing side;
– multi-taskers;
– damaged or carelessly looked after automobiles; or
– vehicles with dysfunctional engines who sit in the fast lane to garner attention to their plight.

The fast lane is for:

– drivers in a hurry who lawfully operate their car, and do not place surrounding vehicles in jeopardy, cause aggravation or a sudden rise in blood pressure to other autoists; and
– those who wish to do a quick pass and resume in the second lane.

Now for the cure: I propose that the Department of Transportation create an even faster lane with stiff penalties for mindless motorists driving below the posted speed limit. Pecuniary penalties may not be harsh enough; imprisonment may be overly punitive. Therefore, I respectfully suggest an entirely new means of punishment:

A special task force or patrol unit should be created whose sole purpose is to monitor drivers in this new and improved faster lane. This Faster Lane Patrol will not carry traditional weaponry, but instead be equipped with markers, akin to paint-ball rifles. These non-lethal, non-staining, low-mess markers would place a temporary stain on laggards, not unlike a scarlet letter, for all to witness (removable by a good scrubbing or two or three).

Expertly trained sharp shooters would mark sluggish vehicles in colors such as chartreuse or light thulian pink, both intriguing hues, seldom chosen for the outside (or inside) of cars. I believe that such public designation of dawdlers would deter entry into this new and improved lane. Liberation of the fast lane can be a reality. And least that’s the argument I’m sticking with in my memo to the Department of Transportation.

Thoughts rule the world.

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com