The True Meaning of “No Trespassing” to the Stupid Mind

I’ve been summoned to leave my post to study stupidity in sand and surf studded Southern California with sons and spouse, and to scrutinize the social significance of stupers (I really just wanted to test my powers of alliteration). Actually, I’m away for the next few days and leave you with a little something from the archives on religious stupidity:

Wouldn’t you agree that religion, spirituality, and a belief in the Divine can provide wondrous contentment? Religion has the potential to fortify the soul…and hopefully, the mind.

I believe spirituality is a private matter, to be discussed in a proper venue where one is voluntarily present or among friends who have chosen to engage in a conversation of a religious nature. My front doorstep does not constitute a proper venue. Never-before-seen people do not constitute friends.

Anytime anyone aggressively promotes their religion while invading the privacy of another, it’s highly probable that sheer stupidity is at work.

Last week, I was on an important phone call in my home, minding my own business. It was one of those glorious mornings, where I found myself alone for a few hours to do as I pleased; my husband and kids were away.

Some background on my home: my driveway has a gate which is closed. Said driveway is just under 200 feet long and wraps around my house. You cannot see the house from the street. I live in a community of 52 homes; the entrance sports a large sign stating, “No trespassing. Must have owner’s approval.” What exactly does “No Trespassing” mean?

My two dogs began to bark furiously. As I sat in my office, I saw a BMW SUV drive completely around my house and park somewhere near the front door. I figured a neighbor had an emergency of some kind. Placing my caller on hold, I stepped outside. Two people waited in the car while a woman stood next to the vehicle, held at bay by my extremely intelligent, nine-month-old German Shepherd, Barbie. Dog #2 had found the visitors boring and took a nap.

“The other dog is fine, but I don’t know about this one,” were her first words (the woman’s words, not Barbie’s).

No attempt to identify herself, explain why she needed to trespass or that she was in fact, a dreaded religious proselytizer. I pointed to the gate and said in my best Darth Vader voice, “GO!”

Forget about the fact that Barbie could have bitten her (if she was that type of dog, which she’s not) or that, for all these trespassers knew, I was waiting with a sawed-off shotgun. No one wants to be accosted in their home. How about that “No trespassing” sign? Were these religious intruders illiterate, foreign or blind? No, they just thought…whoops! No thought. Therein lies the problem. The sign meant something to the reasoning mind. The meager mind just saw a blank sign.

My one word sent them scuttling away so fast, they completely forgot to leave me a ubiquitous “End of the World” pamphlet. That was a first. In the past, these unannounced, headache-inducing-drop-bys truly disturbed my sense of equilibrium.

When I lived in Los Angeles, these gate-crashing worshipers appeared on my front porch nearly every time I opened the door. They came weekly; sometimes twice weekly. Word must have gotten out that I was in dire need of conversion. It got so bad that the mere sight of a neatly dressed, average looking person on my doorstep sent me sobbing into the depths of my home. One poor man rang my doorbell sending me into hysterics the moment I laid eyes on him. He calmed me by managing to convince me that he’d merely stopped by to tell me my front sprinkler was broken, spewing water onto the street.

You may be asking right about now, why open the door? The answer to this and more on Monday.

Keep thinking.


4 Responses to “The True Meaning of “No Trespassing” to the Stupid Mind”

  1. Sarah says:

    I really don’t like it when they just appear on my doorstep and won’t go away! Now I give them the two second treatment. Open and shut the door and say no thank you.

  2. Suzie says:

    I don’t think even an electric fence can stop them. They opened my gate and rang the door bell. My 90 year old mother was taking her nap. She thought it was me or one of her grandkids at the door. She walked to the door half sleep and opened it. When she realized who they were, she was so angry she slammed the door on their face. In the past, she’d found a simple “No thank you” hadn’t worked. They still persisted. Anyway, they did not care, because then they went to the neighbor’s house.

  3. Jillian says:

    Wow… I can’t believe they just completely ignored the ‘no trespassing’ sign.

    Oh wait. Of course I can.

    Sheesh… this is precisely why people get annoyed with religious people. I know a lot of the reason they do the door-to-door thing is because their teachings call for it. I’m all for discussing religion in the proper setting (and like you, that’s not at my front door PAST a ‘no trespassing’ sign), but don’t push your views on me or be completely intrusive.

    Oh well.

  4. Julianne says:

    You don’t, by any chance, offer lessons in Darth Vader voices and dealing with religious door-knockers, do you? We’ve got them in droves in my ‘hood.

    You’re my hero!

    Have a great break from your stuper studies!

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