Philandering Plus Nosy Stupidity

This weekend, I attended a “Welcome Home” party for one of my physician cousins who’d volunteered his medical services in Papua New Guinea over the past year. Many of my relatives were present, including the meager minded members who qualify as stupers (short for audaciously stupid persons). I’d like to introduce two of them to you so you may see for your intelligent selves:

Meet Uncle Carl. He was married for the past forty years to Aunt Marilyn. A pretty long time, don’t you think? So long that many of us can barely recall which of the two is the true blood relation. It’s actually Carl, who’s had several flings during the marriage, the last of which caused Marilyn to finally file for divorce. This infuriated Carl who believed life was good and should go on in the manner to which he was accustomed.

Consequently, he demanded Marilyn be blackballed from all family gatherings. This did not take place.

Poor Uncle Carl. He’s been so misunderstood. So what if he had no self-control or an acute case of wanderlust (the kind that had nothing to do with travel)? He always returned home afterwards. It was all Marilyn’s fault. She should have been more understanding. Besides, Carl liked to point out, how did he know that she was faithful to him? Maybe, just maybe, while he was fooling around, so was she.

Stupers are adept at blaming others for their own incompetent, often hurtful actions. Besides, for Carl, the devil made him do it.

Meet nosy Aunt Nellie. Her motto is, “Your business is my business.” She asked me to sit next to her so she could grill talk to me. Thanks to Aunt Nellie and her ilk, I’ve learned to evade annoying questions.

Nellie – “Why doesn’t your son apply to a college on the East Coast?”

Me – “Why would he?”

Nellie – “What are you going to do with yourself now that your kids are almost all grown up?”

(Note to readers: I hate this question. It’s often asked by those persons, such as Nellie, who I hardly ever see and barely know, and who have no real interest in me. I don’t want to share any personal information with this sort. Yet, if I don’t provide an answer, I’m invariably given a lecture about my foolishness in walking away from a legal career. So I try to provide a reply to keep the idle mind occupied and then promptly escape).

Me – “I think I’ll raise cattle or maybe even grow cotton.” (About as likely as my becoming an animated mannequin in the Pirates of the Caribbean Disney ride). “Excuse me, please.”

And I thankfully exit.

As I’ve explained in earlier posts, a stuper will focus on others to avoid focusing on a self that’s not in proper working order. Authentic family members, who engage in thought, treat each other well and are happy for others whether they desire to become astronauts or scarecrows.

Stupers should be avoided whenever possible. And if not possible, as in the case of relative stupidity, make the forced interaction brief and maintain your composure. Don’t allow them to bring out the worst in you. Bring along the popcorn, relax, and be prepared to be entertained.

Choose to think.

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com

7 Responses to “Philandering Plus Nosy Stupidity”

  1. Jennifer says:

    I hear you! I just came back from a wedding replete with many relatives, but luckily this time I had no run-ins with stupers.

    I shoulda been a scarecrow! I scare people all the time!

    But if I did that POTC thing I’d want to stand next to Cap’n Jack …

  2. Jillian says:

    Well this is definitely the truth! Stupers should be known for attempting to project their shortcomings on others. Bah!

  3. damon says:

    I hope you pointed out to them their idiot status. I mean, imagine how they must feel, walking around all day without knowing their perceived stupidity.

    Oh, and I checked, all the good animated mannequin jobs are taken. 🙂

  4. M.C. says:

    OMG! Everyone seems to have relatives who manage to be annoying, one way or another. I’m a paralegal, not a lawyer and I’m always asked by the same stupid relative, “why didn’t you just go to law school?” I wanna say, “None of your damn business!” or “Does it hurt to be stupid?”

  5. Jordan says:

    I know somebody just like Aunt Nellie!! Me and my brother play games with her with planned stories and falsehoods just to tease her. She is also very religous, so we like to pretend to be very interested in “evil” things… such as Harry Potter.

  6. Keli says:

    Jennifer:
    I’m sure you’d look stunning beside Cap’n Jack!

  7. Keli says:

    Jillian:
    Stupers have spilled their shortcomings on me many times. Fortunately, they didn’t stain.
    Damon:
    I prefer the subtle approach. I use a combo of sign, body and facial language to communicate idiot status.
    It’s a big relief to know the animated mannequin jobs are filled!
    MC:
    If only stupidity did hurt… the stuper.
    Jordan:
    It appears you’ve found an effective way to manage your Aunt Nellie. Good for you!

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