The Curious Case of the Stuper First Thing in the Morning

Early one morning, years ago, I heard the doorbell ring. By early, I mean 7:18 a.m. Did I mention it was on a Sunday?

Being an early riser, I’d already dressed and was in the midst of feeding my toddler. But Husband and older son still slept. Wondering who’d come calling at such an impolite and inconsiderate hour, I opened the door to find neighbor, Constance, waiting on the front porch.

Constance lived around the corner; I occasionally saw her at Mommy and Me class. In other words, we were not BFFs (best friends forever) or even BFs or even Fs. I hardly knew her well enough to slap a stuper (short, again, for a predominantly stupid person) sticker on her forehead, but I was beginning to get a sneaking suspicion.

For my dear readers that favor old films, I’d like to note that Constance bore a remarkable resemblance to Edna May Oliver, complete with longish, horse-like face and full fishy lips with round, piercing, yet inquiringly beady, eyes. But sorely lacking the charm and witty retorts.

She asked,

“Do you want to go for a walk right now?”

I declined,

“Uh, no thanks, I’m kind of busy…”

Not easily put off, she craned her neck so that it reached past the threshold and peeked into my living room several feet away.

“Is that a Baker?”

I frantically searched for someone in my house wearing a Chef’s hat and smock when Constance clarified, “The table. Is it a Baker?”

“Uh, maybe. I really have to…”

As her neck craned farther into my home, she continued, frowning in disapproval, “Why would you buy a three bedroom house? What about the Nanny?”

“You’re looking at her, and I like my home. Thanks for stopping…”

Constance retracted her neck and continued, “I’m having a birthday party for Junior next Saturday at the Park. I’d like you and Son to be there. Will you come?”

As much as Constance grated my rapidly fraying nerves, I could not say no to a child’s birthday party. Especially with my own child standing behind me and listening.

“We’ll be there.”

I was completely puzzled by the nature of the early morning visit; what the heck was the point? It’s often a challenge to decipher stupidity.┬áConstance’s motor may have been running, but it was stuck in idle.

We attended the birthday party and both Constance and her husband, Mac, treated me like a long-lost friend.

“Hey, Kel, would you like more cake?” or “Keligirl, that top looks stunning on you! But then again, you always look stunning!” “Oh, Kel-Kel, you are so clever!” All accompanied by much giggling and light chattering.

I swear there was no liquor at the party, bright colored little pills or hastily rolled, suspicious looking cigarettes or pipes. But I’d bought Junior a mini basketball set that made quite an impression. The gift wrapper at the toy store inadvertently left the price tag on (pre-sale). The price made Constance swoon; I’m certain she vowed inwardly to be my best pal, then and there. I should have told her I’d paid 70% off, but she’d seemed so happy.

Yet Constance and Mac both proved themselves to be stupers to the third degree upon which I will elaborate in my next post. Before I close for today however, I want to add that stupers call when they please with no care as to time or convenience to the other party. I had a 4-H mom with whom I was barely acquainted call me recently at 6:51 am. She wanted the name of another 4-H member with nary an apology in sight. Do I look like I’m open twenty-four hours, convenience store style? Trust me, I don’t. I gave it to her and foolishly waited for an explanation. I’m still waiting.

Great minds like to think.

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com

5 Responses to “The Curious Case of the Stuper First Thing in the Morning”

  1. Suzie says:

    I can relate, I have a co-worker and she would call me some times at 6am and ask me if I could work her shift. You know what? Her shift was at 11am.

  2. Sarah says:

    Ah, the inexplicable acts and words of a stupor. So entertaining, so pointless! I have so often tried to figure them out. Now I see that it’s just not possible. I’m not even sure if Constance’s motor was running at all!

  3. I’ve had many a problem with an early morning stuper. My landlady is a federal lawyer and gets up super early every morning to play tennis, garden, and a ton of other fun things before she heads out for the rest of her day.

    I think this made our hippie handy man think I was somewhat similar in rising styles, because he used to knock on my door or call at 6, 7, 8 a.m. This was annoying enough, but in October I work for an amusement park at a haunted attraction and sometimes don’t go to bed until three or four in the morning.

    He finally stopped doing this one morning after he sent a neighbor to my door to ask to borrow a lawn mower around 6, then showed up in person around 7:30 to ask me more questions about how my apartment was doing in general. I finally told him I’d fallen asleep four hours earlier and asked him to stop bothering me so early, which either offended him or made something click in his head about my general reception of him every time he came to see how I was doing.

  4. Keli says:

    Suzie:
    Oh dear. Definitely a stuper at work. Should you ever need to trade shifts with her, I would suggest a 4 or 5 am wakeup call and see if that works. If not, just tell her how it is!
    Sarah:
    It was running enough for her to blurt out idiotic comments, unfortunately.
    WW:
    Whatever you did worked. Perhaps the handyman was not a true stuper, and your reprimand did the trick. One must be firm when handling stupidity, as you ably pointed out.

  5. Jenny says:

    I have drilled, drummed, and pounded into my kids’ heads never to call anyone after 9 p.m. (unless they were asked to do so or it is a true emergency, i.e. someone is bleeding to death) or show up on their doorstep prior to 10 a.m. without express invitation. I taught my girls not to call boys either, LOL! Sounds like Constance needed an etiquette book thrown at her empty head.

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