Checking Account Stupidity

I owe a sincere thanks to all stupers (short, as most of you know, for unmistakably stupid persons) who faithfully dawdle across my path guaranteeing me ample material for my stupidity studies. The latest incarnation of stupidity involved stuper employees in a local bank branch.

My mom and I entered a bank in which we both had an account so that she (key word here) could open a checking account. We met with Rocky, an assistant Vice President; he asked if I too desired to open a checking account. My response was not “Maybe” or “Ask me again in five minutes” or “What’s your favorite color M&M?” but rather the clearly enunciated words,

“No, thank you.”

I mentioned to Rocky that I’d recently moved, and Rocky kindly updated my information. Or so I thought. Then we left.

Mom, once in her home, examined her transaction receipt and noticed that the barely hour old checking account was actually opened in my name. She called, spoke to Rocky, who assured her he’d fix the error.

Fast-forward two weeks.

I reach into my mailbox and remove a small cardboard box that looks suspiciously like a box of checks because… it is a box of checks. And they arrive addressed to… surprise! Me! And with my name on each and every check.

To add insult to injury, as I sorted my mail, I noticed a postage due envelope that required $2.75 for the box of checks, mailed not just without proper postage, but without any freaking postage!

So they managed to send the box of checks to my current address and then made sure to print the wrong address on the checks themselves. Just to mix things up, no doubt. Or to prove, finally and without any lingering question, that they were indeed stupers.

I called and spoke to Assistant Manager, Nick. He apologized,┬ápromising they’d fix the matter immediately and send new corrected checks to my mother. I asked him what they’d like me to do with the incorrect checks.

“Should I rip them up and throw them away?”

His telltale response, “Sure, you can shred them or you can use them.”

Dear readers, do you think I should use checks I don’t want and that, more importantly, contain the wrong address? True, it might delay the District Attorney’s office in locating me, but I think it would be most inappropriate. Plus, it was my mom’s account, after all.

I discovered that the whole checking account fiasco was my own doing. Firstly, I should keep my money in a private bank, one that provides clients with dedicated financial expertise. My bank provided me with dilapidated financial inexpertness as well as incompetence.

Secondly, I recently read in Departures magazine that the right private bank can minimize my taxes, put together an estate plan, build an art collection (that alone got my attention), open checking accounts, offer money management classes to educate teens, hook me up with theater tickets and possibly even fish out a diamond tennis bracelet out of a full-size dumpster (where were they when I needed them?).

There’s just one slight hitch; private bank accounts must be in the seven figure range.

If I get moving on those inaccurately marked checks, I may be able to gather a few million into a Swiss numbered account and have time to flee to a small village just west of Boligrafo, Chile by the time my bank notices and takes action. If they notice. Then once it blows over, I can open up my very own private bank account and be treated properly.

The problem with popular thinking is that it doesn’t require you to think at all ~ Kevin Myers

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com

8 Responses to “Checking Account Stupidity”

  1. M.C. says:

    I so do not like banks! It seems they always make mistakes and then won’t fess up to it, and even when they do, it takes them forever and every to fix it. I can’t believe what they did to your simple checking account! Ugh!

  2. dawn says:

    Absolutely freakin amazing. Bad enough the mix up… but then postage due? hmmm… makes you wonder…

  3. Jenny says:

    UNBELIEVABLE. This is why you write a stuper blog, Keli! Bravo.

    Reminds me of the time many years ago when TG and I took out a loan for several thousand dollars to cover a pressing need. We signed many papers to finalize the loan. The money was deposited into our account (we thought) at the same bank.

    Only, when we began writing checks to pay for the stuff we’d taken out the loan for, they began going BOING BOING BOING all over town.

    Because the bank stupers had put OUR MONEY into ANOTHER PERSON’S ACCOUNT. A person with a name a little bit like ours.

    I managed not to freak out. They took care of it and sent me a dozen roses for being so nice about it. What they didn’t know is that they had taken me BEYOND angry, and that’s not easy to do.

  4. Suzie says:

    I would like to know the name of this bank, so I know never, ever to go there. I hope I don’t have an account there already!

  5. Ferd says:

    Certainly we should expect accuracy from a bank, don’t you think?

    I get frustrated by this sort of stupidity every day. Often, I think that it is me, who happens to be somewhat detail oriented and a bit perfectionistic. But then I think, “Nah. Stupid shits.”

  6. damon says:

    Hey Kelli! I know, I know. It’s been waaaaay too long since I stopped in. It won’t happen again! (I’m puttin you on the blogroll)

    The thing to remember with these bank boneheads is that they just don’t care. $9hr and all the free lollipops you can eat isn’t going to change that!
    You have to be a super-stuper-spotter on your way IN to these places!

  7. Keli says:

    MC:
    If they can do this with the simple stuff, can you imagine what happens when it gets just a bit more complex? (I just shuddered)
    dawn:
    So true. But I have to admit,that within seconds of this occurrence (and I got the box of checks two days ago), I felt this tingling, nervous excitement. I couldn’t wait to write about this episode! Is it any wonder that I’m a stuper magnet?
    Jenny:
    Well, on the bright side, they did send you flowers. My mom is still waiting for her checks. I made her promise that if and when they should by chance arrive, we are going to the bank and canceling the account together. Just for giggles. I can see why you got so angry. That exact scenario happened to Husband! Boy was he mad!
    Suzie:
    I’d be glad to. Wafreakingchovia!
    Ferd:
    You’d think so wouldn’t you?
    Trust me, it is not you! I am not detail oriented and I really do allow a lot to slide by (despite whatever you’ve heard). But come on! Bank employees should at least be able to get the simple stuff right. Especially when they are told over and over and…
    damon:
    Feel free to come and go whenever you please!
    You are right on! All of stupidity seems to stem from people who just don’t care. You get free lollipops?

  8. Agnes Mildew says:

    Ach! You still blog, my sweet. And I do not…I must change! Do you know of any good incarceration units over in the good old US of Stateside where my teenage daughter can go?

    Roll on the ironic stories, eh?

    How is the book publishing going? Email me! You know what it is!!

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