Stupidity in Office

August 13, 2008 by Keli.

There are stupers (short, yet again, for indefensibly stupid persons) in every profession. However, a few callings attract more than their fair share.

One profession draws in enough idiots to heavily populate the northern tip of the rapidly rotating planet Jupiter and a few of its sixty-three plus moons. Stupers flock to this occupation like drunks to fire water. Or was that monks to holy water?

The qualifications for this above-mentioned profession include: a singular talent for lying, total lack of compassion for others, including, but not limited to, close family members, a mid-range ability to deceive the public at large, and preferably, a meaningless ivy league degree. Good looks, integrity and discretion are optional, but open palms are a necessity. Here’s the real clincher: must appear somewhat sincere.

I know, most of my dear readers are thinking Keli must be referring to upper level management for the Infernal (sic) Revenue Service (IRS), or perhaps she’s speaking of an elite class of used car salesmen. I’m sorry, neither is quite correct, although these would make legitimate back-up jobs for the transgressors I’m referring to. I speak of politicians.

Not exactly the stuff of “everyday stupidity,” but I recently felt highly disenchanted for about fifteen minutes thanks to the latest sordid scandal regarding a former presidential contender. It made me question whether there currently even exists a single, solitary, intelligent, sincere, capable and charming political candidate?

With less than three months to go until the U.S. Presidential election, I do plan on voting, and I think I’ve found the perfect write-in to vote for: Keli Garson.

One vital issue that each and every candidate consistently fails to address is…stupidity. Is it not a well-known fact that stupidity is at the root of most, if not all, of our problems? And do I not address this wretched malady and do my very best to resolve irritating encounters with stupers on a regular basis, right here in this blog? If that’s not good enough for you, here are a few additional reasons to cast your vote for me:

• I am not, nor have I ever been, a politician;

• I promise not to criticize any of my opponents, but to keep the focus on my own plan of action and positive attributes which include:

1. An uncanny knack for impulsively baking delicious, mouth-watering pies of any variety. Why, just last month, after returning home from a long, tiring day of carting around Husband and Son #2 in nearby Big City, I whipped up a delectable lemon meringue pie…from scratch! I even make my own crust, for heaven’s sake. I dare the other candidates to even try (if that doesn’t grab your vote, I don’t know what will);
2. I have total self-control when in uncomfortable, conflict-filled situations. For instance, right now, as I sit in the public library typing away for my dearest readers, I’d really rather be strangling the child standing dead center of this facility where sound most fully reverberates and whining something about needing to immediately go to the bathroom. Actually, I’ve got a double dose of self-control because I’d like to strangle her mother too for not taking said child to the nearest restroom.

• I think my vast experience as a stay-at-home parent would push me way past the other candidates because as most SAH parents know, there are days when super human strength is required in order to balance everyone’s needs without necessitating a trip to the local asylum.
• I’m afraid I once practiced law and as such, spent all of my time negotiating and drafting agreements for barracudas who ran various departments of movie studios. And I worked for a company that handled labor disputes for the major entertainment industry labor unions! If that doesn’t rival negotiating with leaders of foreign countries, I don’t know what does.

There you have it! Remember, a vote for me and we’re all one step closer to wiping out stupidity.

Think for yourself.

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Professional Stupidity | 14 Comments »