Stupidity, Bulk Bins and Dirty Hands

February 22, 2009 by Keli.

Dear Moms of toddlers, preschoolers and all children waist high and shorter with grubby hands:

Yes, your kids are cute for the most part, particularly when they’re walking demurely by your side or are out cold in the stroller; but, they are not even remotely cute when they are running their sticky hands and grimy fingers through a barrel full of rolled oats, or licking and tasting gummy bears in a bulk bin of a grocery store. It’s true these bins are a highly appealing attraction for the toddler crowd, especially with the loosely attached plastic ladle for easy scooping, but really, as a parent, it’s your job to take control of your tot. Otherwise, you’ll promptly be labeled a stuper (short for a preposterously stupid person). Not an easy label to remove once it’s pinned on securely.

I watched one slobbery moppet on bended knees stretch out his arms, in unabashed glee, and plant them, elbow deep, into the bin, then quickly lift them out, spreading a dust storm of pre-sifted, organic, whole wheat pastry flour all over himself and those within an eight foot radius. The mother responded with,

“Beckett, watch out!”

Meanwhile, shoppers witnessing the spectacle contemplated clearly cut homicidal thoughts, as is customary when in the presence of a stuper. The mom was forced to grab the kid and skulk away.

As a rule, stupers should not be allowed in the bulk section of the supermarket. This goes for all idiot customers who brazenly dine out from the bulk bin, never thinking considering that their hands could be unclean.

Until such sections are outlawed or restricted, I suggest to my dear readers who feel compelled to exercise their God given rights to shop in the bulk section, to stick with the gravity dispensers and those bins out of the reach of the offspring of stupers. Gravity bins are sometimes too complex for stupers to manage. But perhaps it would be wisest to avoid the bulk section altogether, as this venue attracts the meager minded who view it as a barbarian smorgasbord of sorts - all the grains, dried fruits, candy and nuts you can eat with your filthy hands, gloriously free!

Keep thinking.

Keli

Posted in Plain Old Fashioned Stupidity | 9 Comments »