Archive for May, 2009

Sex, Lies and Stupidity

Tuesday, May 26th, 2009

When I’m forced to confront a case of stupidity, I either do so cheerfully, since I have full knowledge of what lies ahead or very, very quietly. I reserve hollering and unleash expletives only in emergency cases.

I’ve found that when stupers (short, once again, for doggedly stupid persons) are confronted with their own stupidity, they do two things: act surprised (because idiots are genuinely stunned when someone catches them acting idiotically), and attempt to lie their way out. This was the case with a meager mind at Son #1’s school a few years ago.

Son #1 has always been technically talented. My fiercely loyal readers may recall my mentioning that this same son routinely repaired his classroom computer…when in kindergarten. Parents of other kids invited Son over just to upgrade their computers or have him custom-build one from scratch.

When in the eighth grade, Son requested and was granted permission from Mr. Joe, the computer lab director, to use the school’s fast running computer for Son’s science project. Days later, Son came home upset because Mr. Joe accused Son of setting up an online gambling operation.

“Why would he think I did that?” Son asked, clearly irritated at the unfounded accusation.

I pushed away images of winning $700,000 playing poker or bingo and took it upon myself to investigate. I entered the school administration office.

I’ve always been an active parent, first-rate at attracting sniffing out trouble in my kids’ schools and resolving issues involving stupers posing as teachers, coaches and superintendents. I strolled in quietly, wielding my Louis Vuitton handbag and Prada shades (arsenal no member of the female sex who plans on battling stupers should be without).

Before I uttered a word, the Superintendent skulked away, arms up hold-up style. I was feeling good.

“Where’s Mr. Joe?” I asked no one in particular.

Mr. Craig, a respected and responsible teacher asked, with great concern no stuper could possibly feign, “Is there a problem, Mrs. Garson?”

Damn right, Yes. Mr. Joe has accused my son of setting up a highly profitable gambling operation in the two days that Son was allowed to use the school computer.”

“I’ll get Mr. Joe,” Mr. Craig left and returned instantly, Mr. Joe in tow.

Mr. Joe is a small, hairless, oily looking fellow with beady eyes and lips so thin, one can’t help but stare and wonder if they’re permanently turned inward; he’s the type a parent intuitively knows treats kids like a piece of overchewed gum the moment the parents’ backs are turned. I started,

“You accused Son of starting an online gambling operation.”

“No, I didn’t. I never said that.”

“Then just what did you say?” I asked, moving in for the kill.

“I said the computers were running slower than usual.”

Obviously, code for stuper talk that meant, I did say just that, but if you persist in accusing me, I will persist in lying between my extremely thin lips.

“And did you throw out the words “online” and “gambling” somewhere in that sentence?”

He paused two seconds to pretend to engage in thought, but we all know where that leads.

“No.”

Mr. Joe left the school of his own accord (so I was told) at the end of that school year. I love it when stupidity resolves itself so neatly.

It’s important not to resist a case of stupidity or stew over it, which would be a grievous waste of our precious time. Better to meet it head-on and resolve it in a positive manner, when possible.

Don’t stop thinking.

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com

No Cure for Stupidity

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

Scientists are so bent on unraveling cures for important and deadly diseases, they can’t help but overlook the justifiably maligned, most irritating and ever present disorder which my dear readers know and loathe, called stupidity. Which leaves yours truly to combat this grave annoyance by her lonesome.

I’ve determined, after years of careful study, that the greatest likelihood of encountering stupidity occurs while we are in or around motor vehicles. For me, last week, the mere act of sitting in the car in a parking lot, in a large shopping center, while waiting to pick up my mom, allowed me to view a near disaster involving a stuper (short, as you all know by now, for an obstinately stupid person).

The windows of my Lamborghini coupe were rolled down, allowing me to enjoy a cool ocean breeze when the high-pitched voice of a roving idiot drifted in.

“I thought I was hung over, but I’d been partying, like three days before, so I’m like, ‘can I be hung over now?’ I was just really, really sick with like a flu or something…”

I don’t typically acknowledge conversations of this caliber, preferring to lose myself in thought or a damn good song, but idle curiosity caused me to turn and look at the idiot in question. I’m always searching for something that sets stupers apart so that the rest of us can more rapidly spot them, like a good-size, neon colored sign around their necks or a post-it on the forehead. But in this case, I saw a thirtyish woman with a cell phone pinned to one ear, bemoaning her hangover/illness, while a toddler that seemed to belong to her wandered around the parking lot. Just at that moment a vehicle turned into the lane where the tot played.

I opened my car door and my mouth to holler out when the vehicle came to a screeching halt, avoiding the little mite and catching the stuper’s fleeting attention. She then grabbed the child and threw it into a nearby shopping cart where it stood imprisoned, but thankfully safe, while the hangover rant continued.

We all witness stupidity now and then; it can’t be helped. But instead of focusing on what we can’t do, let’s focus on what we can. We can realize that our lives are nourished by kindness, positive thoughts and concern for others. Even the stupid among us. Yes, I do consider clobbering the mindless now and then, particularly in this parking lot, but I do believe that unwaveringly positive thoughts can bring about positive results. If each one of us focused on creating and recreating our minds so that progress regularly occurs, there’d be no more stupid among us…and I would happily move on to my next blog. You know the one: how to manage the bit*hes and bas*ards among us.

Just think.

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com

Philanthropic Stupidity

Sunday, May 10th, 2009

An article in a magazine catering to upscale readers advised its audience “to be philanthropic in these times.”  It suggested recruiting friends to join with you in giving and meeting with financial advisers to see how and where to best make a gift (i.e. $30,000,000 to build build a new residential college or two at Yale or $1.2 billion to the first scientist who can find a cure for stupidity – you know which one I’d be pushing for). I want to remind my dear readers, there are abundant, surefire ways to be charitable in these times and any time, without monetary expenditure.

Last week, our postal service sent postcards requesting the donation of cans which workers would pick up and distribute to the needy. My neighbor stated that, regrettably, she could only afford to donate four cans this year because of the times we live in. I explained to her that philanthropy means, literally, ‘the love of humankind.’ Throwing money around is certainly a delightful way to show some love (if any of my dear readers care to toss some of that kind of lovin’ in my direction, e-mail me for my home address), but there are other, pro bono ways to demonstrate charity.

There are organizations (animal shelters, hospitals, schools, to name a few) that could use volunteer help. And, if you don’t have the time to volunteer, there are even simpler ways.

I waited in line at Costco (I discovered they now carry organic ground beef at a fraction of the cost of my health food store), when I noticed the forlorn, sullen cashier. He barely looked up at customers, nor did they acknowledge him when he muttered some sort of unintelligible greeting (at least I think it was a greeting).

I, myself, was self-absorbed in a killer mood, as it was my first outing in five days. I’d been home-ridden with some kind of alien virus that you never read about in the news. However, watching the cashier snapped me out of my funk.

I greeted him like a long lost friend, and the next thing I knew he told me about two barbecues he was invited to that weekend and invited me to join his family at either one or both. He also made sure I had assistance with carrying my goods to the car (my alien virus left me with lower back pain so I couldn’t do my usual lifting and carrying of all my purchases with my finely toned, subtly muscular, yet still feminine arms).

My point is that kindness is a strong form of philanthropy, and one that can be easily and readily practiced with little effort, unless you are a stuper (short for an unsympathetically stupid person), in which case, the effort could be mind-altering, which is a good thing, for the most part.

It’s all in the mind.

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com

Fender-bender stupidity

Monday, May 4th, 2009

If you dropped a glass on the kitchen floor and it shattered, would you leave the sharp fragments there? If you’re nodding, please immediately fill up a bucket to the brim with ice water, and stick your head in (all the way) for a good thirty seconds or until you realize the reason for the head dunking, whichever occurs first. If you admitted that you’d leave the shards of broken glass on the floor, thereby creating a hazard for other kitchen goers, you fall smack into the stuper (you know what it’s short for: a staggeringly stupid person) category. If you’re nodding as in dozing off, the bucket will work wonders in keeping you awake.

There are some mysteries more baffling than the true meaning behind Stonehenge or why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour. In this episode of Counterfeit Humans, we will discuss the puzzling mystery involving stupers and the irrational placement of their cars.

Fender benders are quite common, particularly in high traffic areas. When idiots are behind the wheel (as they usually are) during such minor mishaps, the drivers decide that the only course of action is to leave their cars right in the middle of a busy traffic lane. Seriously. Thereby holding up all surrounding traffic and creating a potential hazard.

This often occurs when neither car is disabled. And no crime scene investigation will take place. In fact, the police won’t even bother showing up without the presence of injured parties requiring immediate professional attention. In these cases, often visible damage is negligible. And as for potential internal harm to the vehicles…couldn’t that better be discussed, safely, off to the side of the road or in a nearby parking lot?

I witnessed one vehicle slightly bump into another. Both cars were abandoned by their owners in an effort to physically search for signs of damage. The rear bumper of one vehicle was carefully examined and re-examined by its owner, who paused periodically to discuss what had happened and then started the examination all over again. Meanwhile, I was stuck two cars behind them.

When trapped behind idiots, it’s best to exercise patience while plotting a safe escape.  Focus on issues rather than reactions. I needed to pick up my son, so instead of feeling infuriated at the imbecility before me, I asked myself,

“What’s the most constructive thing I can do without demonstrating anger?”

The answer came to me while I exercised surprising calm. Okay, maybe I drove a little more aggressively than I am wont to do. And had I been in a monster truck, I may have attempted to climb over the mess, but as it was, I found an opening off to my side, went carefully and cautiously in reverse and got the hell out of there and on my merry way.

The best we can do is patiently work our way around stupidity to accomplish our goals.

Think.

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com