Archive for September, 2009

Stupidity and Clients

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

I have recently discovered that asking too many questions can turn a stuper (short for a disarmingly stupid person) away. And not a moment too soon.

I’m sure most of my readers are well aware of the reputation that many members of the legal profession shoulder: money grabbing, heartless, wily misanthropes who care nothing for the client. This may or may not be true, depending on the individual attorney, but I must remind you that for every idiot attorney, there is an idiot client.

I work for a charitable organization which attracts all sorts of people, including those that refuse to think. Nancy called me needing help with her landlord. A simple enough problem, no? Not when Nancy is a Class AAA+ stuper.

I try to get the facts out of my callers; directing them to dispense with the extraneous, ridiculous, cringeworthy details mostly of a derogatory nature. Nancy began her tale,

“I live in an eight unit apartment complex with a bunch of crackheads. And it isn’t even good crack.”

Which, of course, begs the question, how does Nancy know the crack’s no good? She continued,

 “I told the landlord I can’t take it anymore. The fumes sent me to the emergency room. And now I have asthma. And there’s banging on the walls. And the building is filled with gays. I’m the only female and I am constantly discriminated against. The Mexican gardeners make too much noise with their ()*#$*%& blowers. Why are all *&$&^*% Mexicans gardeners? The manager is a black homo and he’s the worst. Then there are the Asians and the Jews… I have it all on videotape.”

You get the gist of it. After about five minutes, there was no race, ethnicity, religion or gender that she failed to insult. Okay, she kept the Tibetans out of the equation. Meanwhile, I pondered hanging up on her, passing her on to some more deserving soul or breaking into song with the aim of encouraging her to grossly underestimate my abilities.

Instead, I asked her a few questions. How long she’d lived there, when did her troubles start, what does 1+1 equal, and finally,

“Do you have medical records of your visit to the Emergency Room?”

This was Nancy’s response,

“Lady, you ask too many questions! I’m going to Los Angeles to get me a real lawyer!”

Immensely relieved, I thanked her profusely, but she’d already hung up.

Now when a potentially whacked up client calls me (they are extremely easy to spot because they have zero self-control once they begin blabbering), I interrogate them to distraction. This way stupers are instantly revealed and shoved aside so I can focus on the clients that sincerely need help.

Keep thinking.


Stupidity and the Police

Sunday, September 20th, 2009

The police in my town have embarked on a sting operation. You know, the kind where a law enforcement officer poses as a cooperative member of the public so said officer may be victimized by lawbreakers who will then be immediately apprehended, possibly even wrestled to the ground, jolted with a stun gun and placed in shackles, to protect the real, wide-eyed public. Unfortunately, as you may have guessed, this operation was run by stupers (short, yet again, for unimaginatively stupid persons).

Keep in mind that the place where I live is not exactly a hotbed of criminal activity. The population hovers at around 4000, and the most heinous crime here (besides stupidity) consists of driving with a suspended license. Oh sure, there was that one alleged crime boss/racketeer/mafia kingpin, but the FBI caught him and put him away for life plus 120 years, and all of his crimes occurred in the Los Angeles area. No actual bodies were found anywhere on his spread in my town.

This highly complex decoy operation involved police in plainclothes strolling across a street using a crosswalk. The police cited six drivers in one day during this crackdown; villainous motorists who failed to yield to pretend pedestrians trying to cross the street.

“This is a disturbing number of potential tragedies…” stated Lt. Julie McCann, posing as the City Police Chief. Then she threatened, “We will have more of these covert operations in the future.”

First of all, once something is published in the newspaper, which is where I read the above quote, covert becomes overt. Secondly, when was the last time, intelligent readers may be wondering, that there occurred a tragedy on this road or any street for that matter in my town, concerning a pedestrian? Let’s see…there was that time a woman, using the crosswalk, fell out of her wheelchair after her Yorkshire terrier went haywire on his leash and chased after an unsuspecting postal worker using the same crosswalk. Yorkies can be ruthless that way.

I do so wish stupers were capable of focusing their attention on more important matters. Especially those idiots involved in law enforcement. How about trying to catch drunk drivers? Or speeders?

“Now that school is open again, we must protect those using the crosswalk…” stated Police Chief McCann.

Um, there were no schools near the targeted crosswalk. (Excuse me while I lay my head face down, but resting on a forearm, and bang one clenched fist on my desk).

Stupers have trouble focusing on the real issues or matters at hand. You know, the vital topics that actually require care, thought, focus and the utmost attention. Instead, morons prefer to waste time blithering and taking needless or nonsensical action. To make sure none of us fall into this idiotic category, make sure you focus on progress: progressing your mind to make yourself a better, more intelligent being every day. If you need tips on how to do this, please contact me.

Keep thinking.


Stupidity and the “Hello” Conflict

Tuesday, September 8th, 2009

Stupers (short for decidedly stupid persons) can be a source of conflict for those of us who choose to exercise our minds. I noticed the vast majority of the problems requiring televised judicial assistance from the likes of Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Maria and Judge About Anybody revolve around stupers. The conflicts I attempt to resolve right here exclusively arise from stupers; here’s one now from blog reader Teri:

Dear Keli,

 Until I was about twenty-five years old, I actually believed that all of my family members unconditionally loved me. I’m Italian with a lot of relatives. We have a lot of parties. I thought imperfections were overlooked, thanks to our strong family ties.

I lived out of the country for eighteen months. When I returned home to Baltimore, I was excited to be just in time for my uncle and aunt’s fortieth anniversary. There were about sixty of us there.  It was a great homecoming for me.

The party lasted several hours. As we hugged and said our farewells, Aunty Talia, whom I’d known since I was six, marched up to me, not to say goodbye, but to rudely ask, “Did you say hello to my mother?” I went into complete shock. Keep in mind, this was about four hours after the party started. Not only was this a dumb question, but what the heck was that about? I said “hello” to everyone! I was speechless. I ransacked my mind (which I do use, by the way) to see if I’d forgotten. I thought I’d greeted everyone. I felt confused and upset. Aunty Talia stormed away before I could say, “I’m sorry.” Since then, she ignores me at all parties. In fact, she gives me the cold shoulder. Was it my fault? Do I have to apologize? The mom is not mute or deaf. She could have said hello just as easily. What should I have done?

Teri had several options, such as:

A. Immediately said hello and goodbye to the mother thereby killing two birds or idiots, as in this case, with two words;

B. Informed her aunt that, “We don’t stand on ceremony; tell your ma to get her fat a*^ over here!”

C. Apologized, explaining that she got caught up in the whirl of the party and may have possibly overlooked the mother;

But let’s discuss the relative (pun intended) importance of the word “hello” at one family party.   On a scale of 1-10, with ten being extremely important, it ranks .09.  Apparently, Aunty Talia had more going on beyond the word “hello”. Perhaps seeing Teri so content radically upset the prevailing imbalance in this stuper’s mind, which was determinedly set on drowning others in her personal pool of misery. Where do you think the adage “misery loves company” originated? From a stuper trying to pull others into her realm of misery. Or maybe the aunt craved attention from Teri, (idiots do thrive on attention), expecting her to demonstrate that she’d missed Aunty most of all. Or maybe Aunty Talia just ate a nasty olive. In any case, the “hello” conflict surfaced.

Apologizing, then quickly exiting the playing field, is the kindest route, but does it encourage the meager mind to repeat trifling behavior? Possibly. However, I believe it’s still the path Teri should have taken as it might have awoken the stupid aunt up and aided her in seeing the silliness of her behavior. But then again, it might not have.

You’ve probably read about the best means to scare off a bear or mountain lion when suddenly confronted by one while wandering in the woods. If you run away, you confirm you are prey and will likely be eaten. To survive, one must look the beast in the eye, and stand firm and fierce (pulling out a shotgun or machete would be helpful also), letting it know you mean business. And so it is with stupidity.

Never hesitate to use kindness, as we never know what troubles the meager mind is focusing upon. Just be sure to keep your own thoughts focused on the positives in your life.

Think for yourself.


Stupidity in Swarms

Thursday, September 3rd, 2009

Do you ever feel that you’re one of the last humans left on earth, or at least in your neighborhood, who actively uses his/her mind now and then? When you look around you in the post office or supermarket, do you feel surrounded by swarms* of stupers (short for concretely stupid persons)? I’m happy to report I haven’t felt this way lately. Perhaps I have finally reached the sunlit, always blue sky, summit where idiots no longer have any impact. I may have finally earned my Stupidity Specialist stripes.

Alas, such is not the case for local Pastor Ernie, who lives in my town. I caught him, chin resting forlornly on the Good Book, practically in tears the other day, thanks to the stupid among us. Pastor Ernie is usually a stalwart, jolly fellow, but not when he’s assaulted by a stuper swarm.

Pastor Ernie recently bought a home. A townhome to be exact. The place had a mailbox located among sixty-two other identical mailboxes in the subdivision, all numbered, with locks. The Pastor asked the Homeowners’ Association (HA) to provide him with a key to his box. It took them a few days, but they finally gave him a key. However, they neglected to inform him which of the boxes the key opened. Why? Because they didn’t know.  They rudely reminded the Pastor,

“That’s not our job.”

He continued asking the HA for help. They ignored him, claiming they did their part. They suggested he lay in wait for the Postal worker.

“But I work during the day.”

They shrugged and continued doing nothing.

Pastor Ernie called the Management Company. They said that they were located four hours away, and even if they did make the trip, it could take them days to arrive, as they were very busy. Plus, just what did the Pastor expect them to do? He told me,

“I just wanted to pick up my mail. I didn’t mind waiting, but everyone was so rude about it.”

Finally, Providence intervened in the form of the Pastor’s twenty-four-year old friend, Sam. Sam scanned the boxes and randomly pointed to one. Pastor Ernie inserted the key, and it opened, no thanks to stupidity.

What did the Pastor have to say about idiots?

“For the faults of the many, don’t judge the whole.”

I assured him that we never judge the whole. Just the tried and true idiots.

*Bees are not the only creatures to travel in swarms; locusts, flies and even earthquakes move in swarms. A swarm is an aggregation of insects, geological phenomena and stupers, usually in motion, that typically cause annoyance and irritation, according to Webster’s Dictionary.

Don’t stop thinking!