Stupidity, Driving, Mario Andretti and Cows

The burning issue today is not health care reform or who truly created the Internet. The pressing question is why stupers (short, as you all know by now, for remarkably stupid persons) are allowed to operate motor vehicles?

There exists a truly long, overly drawn out stretch of highway near my home that runs mostly one lane in each direction. This translates into the majority of highway drivers being stuck behind a lagging idiot driving 35 mph in a 65 mph zone, thereby creating a sluggish caravan, at least once during each thirty mile stretch. I was stuck yesterday; #8 in line behind a meager mind.

If you are the type that spontaneously experiences fits of hysteria in the mere presence or at the mention of a stuper, please visit a more innocuous site, like

As all of my motor vehicle driving and pedestrian readers know, our roadways are cluttered with morons.  In my case, seventeen cars impatiently rambled behind the stuper in question. That wasn’t the worst part. Nor was the fact that a highway patrol who passed us showed about as much concern as he would for a crate of turnips. The worst part was that this stuper would soon brutally dash our only means of escape, which was about to appear up ahead.

The lumbering car traveled so slowly that a nimble squirrel could have darted to and fro in front of the approaching vehicle nine or ten times while the car was 50 yards away before the varmint was forced off or squished, whichever came first. Meanwhile, I testily patiently awaited the arrival of the passing lane.

When we reached the glorious, highly anticipated passing lane six miles later, the #2 and #3 vehicles behind the laggard swiftly and desperately raced ahead. But then a strange, all-too-common occurrence took place: the stuper suddenly located the accelerator pedal and sped up with a vengeance. Car #4 barely managed to pass; alas, car #5 was not so lucky. The lanes merged into one again, and at that precise moment, the incredible idiot slipped into Rapid Onset Amnesia (ROA – a popular feature of stupers), and the acceleration pedal was sadly forgotten.
We continued at speeds that would make an African Spurred Tortoise belly laugh.

A stuper is like a cow. Actually, a cow is far more useful. Think milk, filet mignon, Jimmy Choo shoes and manure. But they do share a similar mentality. When one cow is standing, chewing its cud, and suddenly notices another cow kick up its hooves and race ahead, the inert cow unthinkingly does the same, as do the rest of the cattle. This is called a stampede and is a result of the herd mentality.

The lagging stuper, being of the same herd mentality, suddenly saw a stampede of vehicles in the passing lane and turned into Mario Andretti. ROA set in shortly thereafter and stupid driving resumed.

Now you know the explanation for such irrational behavior. The cure? Install a twelve cylinder + engine (is it more important to conserve gas or beat (figuratively, this time) the stuper?). Or summon the patience of one hundred Buddhist monks (even one will do).



9 Responses to “Stupidity, Driving, Mario Andretti and Cows”

  1. Chamuca says:

    That’s exactly why, when I have to drive on highways or freeways, I try to only drive at night.

    It’s also why I try to go grocery shopping at night too.

  2. Mad Woman says:

    Nothing bugs me more when driving, than a person who insists on driving below the speed limit. Seriously, put your foot on the gas!!! Great post!

  3. omawarisan says:

    Stampede, herd…of course! I’ve been stewing on this for years. We’ve always called it old manning, after its most common practitioners. For example, “I went to pass him but wasn’t able to because he old manned me.”

  4. Sergio says:

    This really drives me crazy. I think that is what tempts some drivers to carry guns.
    Most of the time stupers are either talking on their cell (which is against the law where I am)or looking in the mirror to see if they look presentable.

  5. Ferd says:

    This one really made me think! I’m thinking stupers, like cows, could be put to some use. Would we really know if McDonalds used them in hamburger? We could use their bones to make useful things, like piano keys or collectible figurines. And I’m sure we could make them into fertilizer every bit as good as manure… maybe better!
    Thanks, Keli. I take some comfort in my musings!
    ; )

  6. Elaine says:

    From someone who can drive 1200 miles in one week I see so much of this on highways (and yes those miserable 2 lane roads as well)I have yet to reach a reasonable explanation why people do such things. After much swearing and frustration I eventually revert to your last suggestion.

  7. Keli says:

    So where do stupers go at night? Hmmm….
    Mad Woman:
    Could failure to place the foot on the pedal be some undiagnosed disease? Oh yeah, that’s what stupidity is.
    I never fail to glean something of value from you.
    And they never even do look presentable, do they?
    No fair. The comments can’t be more clever than the post. Why didn’t I think of that? It’s sheer genius. Piano keys! Stuper bones can replace the outlawed elephant tusk ivory!
    I’m afraid I’ve not yet succumbed to the 12 cylinder engine or even a tank. One of these days…

  8. H says:

    Oh, these type of ignorant driving antics drive me crazy. I can’t it! It’s even worse when you have two lanes of traffic being slowed by a driver in each lane going the same speed, under the limit. Supposedly this specific tag team vehicular stuper antic is referred to as a Canadian Roadblock.

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