Stupidity and Out-of-Control Tourists

 My farmer’s market is held in a neighboring small town that tourists and stupers (short for fretfully stupid persons) flock to throughout the year. I was once a tourist there myself, before realizing my dream of relocating. It’s a lovely, country-like atmosphere where idiots are scarce, and kindness and patience are plentiful. This is why when a moronically oblivious tourist-stuper holds up all traffic during the busy farmer’s market just to stand in the middle of the street for fifteen minutes to take the perfect snapshot of a windmill, nobody honks.

Yet, as we all know, this is not acceptable.

So while waiting at a stop sign for an idiot pedestrian in the crosswalk after my farmer’s market excursion, I decided to put my horn to good use. It had been so long, I barely remembered its sweet sound.

Despite the long line of cars waiting for the ped to cross to the other side, this Darwinian nightmare actually stopped several times along the way to get in some really epic licks of his ice cream cone before completing his forty foot crosswalk journey.

So, being first in line, I honked. Then honked again. And again. Why the encore? Because my honking failed to impact the walker/ ice cream cone licker. Was I by chance rudely picking on an innocent and possibly helpless deaf person? I don’t think so.  After the first honk, he casually turned his head my way, while wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

I believe usage of the horn has an entirely different impact on persons from third world countries and Texas. In those places, it’s used quite often under these circumstances:

1. When something/someone blocks the road.
2. When something/someone doesn’t.
3. When something/someone might.
4. At all times.

Therefore, honking loses its true meaning and is taken for granted in such places. Perhaps this ped was honk-deaf.

Just before reaching the end of the crosswalk where he’d be out of my way, he stopped. This time to indulge in some fierce itching of one knee. Realizing the time had arrived to roll down my window, I did so and gently called out to the stuper. He turned and, when he made eye contact, I made use of a universal expression we all carry around, and in my case, seldom use: the single digit salute. I don’t recommend the usage of this handy device in foreign countries or Texas, unless you are a ninth degree black belt in at least one martial art, are a former green beret who travels with arsenal or are seeking to incite a small riot.

In my case, I took one class in Tae Kwon Do, I don’t even own a beret and riots are no fun when you’re in the middle of one. Thankfully,  the stuper managed to make it to the curb alive with cone intact, and I managed to make my way home without further incident.

Why not think?


9 Responses to “Stupidity and Out-of-Control Tourists”

  1. Mad Woman says:

    It drives me crazy when people do that. I’ve always got to fight the urge to run them over. “Oops! I totally saw you there and my temper got the better of me. Sorry ’bout that!”

  2. omawarisan says:

    Oh he’s thinking.

    He is thinking “what is her problem?”

    It couldn’t be his fault, recognizing his own flaw is above his level of thinking.

  3. Sergio says:

    Good for you. You should have saluted him few times.
    Sometimes they don’t get it. I feel like pushing them very “gently” with my car. What are they thinking?

  4. Paul Wynn says:

    I remember going to tae kwon do, I thought it was going to make me into a ninja but I realized karate kid movie did that for me

  5. Elaine says:

    Unbelievable! Wonder where he was from? (curious)

  6. Jenny says:

    Maddening! I use my horn too … it’s so very liberating. Good for you, Keli.

  7. Steve says:

    I am on the so-called stupers side. What motorist often forget is PEDESTRIANS HAVE RIGHT OF WAY, AT ALL TIMES. So when we get a chance, such as legally using a pedestrian crossing, we exercise that right. It motorist in general were not convinced that getting where thay are going 5 seconds earlier, was so damned important, then maybe we woulbn’t be so bloody-minded about acting as we a legally entitled. Think about that.

  8. Keli says:

    Mad Woman:
    It’s all about fighting urges, isn’t it?
    So true – recognition isn’t in the stuper gene pool.
    They aren’t thinking; that’s the problem.
    Paul Wynn:
    The Karate Kid was one of my fav films. I’m glad it was so useful for you!
    Well, he was from that part of the world where skygazing while licking an ice cream cone and crawling in the cross walk are part of everyday life.
    I reluctantly use the horn, as I have made my own stuper errors while driving, so I like to give the motorist a second chance. I only use the horn when it reaches the point where strangling isn’t an option.
    You are absolutely right. They do have the right of way and patience is an underrated virtue. However, when a ped pulls out a chair in the crosswalk, oblivious to the cars around him for a period of twenty seconds or more, and is not handicapped or impaired from moving forward, he must actually think about exercising his right of way by walking forward in the crosswalk and not stopping to lick his ice cream cone.

  9. Ferd says:

    Wow! I am impressed! I didn’t think you had the multiple-honking, one-finger saluting thing in you! I can only imagine the elegance with which you did it though.

    Certainly the oblivious stuper deserved it. Do you think he had the slightest clue he was interfering with the lives of others, or that the honks were for him?

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