Archive for May, 2010

Stupidity, Suicide and Obesity

Friday, May 28th, 2010

Yesterday on the way to a meeting, I almost committed suicide. It was all because of my pilgrimage to the Ladies Room in Macy’s.

I was slightly early for my meeting, so I took an uneventful stroll through Macy’s to the restroom. When I entered, my eyes fell on something that caused me to lapse into a state of unparalleled trauma; I searched for the nearest sharp object to plunge into my chest to divert my attention from what appeared before me. All I found was a discarded Macy’s catalog and a small child waiting for her mother. The small child ran and hid behind one of the lounge chairs.

What turned my usually cheerful nature into that of torment and hopelessness was a person, or what was once a person, who stood before a full length mirror, not to brush her hair or perhaps apply a coat of lip gloss, but to reach a meaty hand down into her onion-skin-thin, black leggings to adjust who-knows-what on her Jupiter size butt.

Yes, she weighed about eight hundred pounds and her top portion was stuffed into an equally thin, black, you-guessed-it, tankini.

It was too much for a delicate person such as myself. There was an oversize stall for the handicapped, which was unoccupied, but stupers (short for unsurprisingly stupid persons) do not mind displaying stupidity in public.

As you may imagine, I stumbled out and onto the street.  Due to my sudden post-traumatic stress disorder, I lost my way to the meeting. I could not remember the block where the office building I was to go to was located and found myself lost in the red-light district of Santa Barbara (now, I know that those of you who have visited Santa Barbara are thinking: there is no red-light district. In fact, as one walks on the main drag towards the posh hotels and the beach, there is an adult book store on the right hand side as well as a sketchy Thai food restaurant).

I finally came to my senses and made it to my meeting, three minutes late. But really, do we not think before we dress ourselves, at least when we step out in public?

Admittedly, I once went out in public, wearing my shirt inside-out, but in all fairness, it was at the break of dawn and one of my children was rushing me.

When we are slim, we should think before we dress, and the same goes for the times we put on weight, no matter if it’s five or five hundred pounds. And please don’t adjust your privates in an open space of any kind where there are others present.  I’ve read that even the heartiest plants wilt under such conditions. Let’s keep stupidity hidden to the extent we can.

Please think.

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com

Me, Myself and My Stupidity

Sunday, May 16th, 2010

Once again I found myself embroiled in an act of singular stupidity committed by yours truly. One that never should have happened in the first place or any place.

I stood by the back entrance of my office building after work, late Friday afternoon, waiting to be picked up by Husband. I spoke on the cellphone to my mother for a few minutes and continued waiting.

I carried my usual Rhode Island size handbag, along with a large satchel, which I carry instead of a briefcase because it’s far more fashionable and attractive than an ordinary briefcase filled with boring papers and colorless files. My satchel houses lip gloss, hairbrushes, coupons, post-its, a small book of quotations, my recyclable lunch bag, a reusable, 32 oz. water bottle, and a pair of running shoes and socks for those beautiful afternoons when one must stop working and take a walk. Oh yes, and a few files now and then.

I got off my phone, all the while standing in the same spot. Five minutes later, I decided to call Husband to tell him I was going to wait across the street for him. That’s when it happened. My stupid moment. Because suddenly, I discovered I’d lost my phone. Without having moved an inch.

Okay. I may have moved an inch or two, but not far enough to lose my phone.

I didn’t exactly lose it; I just couldn’t find it. I searched my purse and satchel. No phone.

While pondering the fate of my phone, I briefly considered the various missing sock theories.  These theories are based on the fact that a matched pair of socks goes into the laundry or maybe even into the sock drawer, and one of the mates disappears, often never to be seen again. I didn’t take any of the explanations seriously. Come on, the Black Hole? Aliens? Time travelers? Sand men? Besides, my phone did not undergo any type of wash and rinse cycle. I decided to cross the street while taking deep breaths (inhale for 7 seconds; hold for 7 seconds; exhale for 7 or whatever number suits your fancy and lungs) to ponder the fate of my phone.

Upon my arrival, I recommenced searching. Drawer socks typically get lost due to overcrowding and agitation. My phone likely got lost thanks to those same factors as well. My mind was cluttered and agitated with end of the week and end of the day office thoughts, and it didn’t help that my satchel and purse bulged with all of my so called necessities. Did I really need to carry around two hairbrushes? Couldn’t my Pumas remain in my office? And out of the shoe box? How about that curling iron?

As I uncluttered and calmed my mind and my satchel, I found my phone. Resting inside a running shoe. I’d dropped it in without a thought, hence effortlessly transforming myself into a stuper (short for a hopelessly stupid person). My ensuing frustration only enhanced my stupidity. That’s why it took so long to locate the gosh darn phone.

We must cast aside all mental burdens and unnecessary clutter to avoid self-inflicted stupidity.

Think first, last and always.

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com

Stupidity Proofing Your Mind: Keep Stupidity Away

Sunday, May 2nd, 2010

Although I believe I’ve become pretty good at defusing stupidity, I still need reminders now and then in order to keep a positive attitude and to keep the stupers (short for startlingly stupid persons) from getting my goat or taking my peace away from me.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret I personally use to maintain my sanity during the days when the stupid among us raise their empty, thought-deprived heads high enough for me to view them: I wear a dandy little bracelet, made of string, around my wrist that looks something like this:

This lovely trinket is not an exact replica of my actual string bracelet (which I’m currently sporting); mine is homemade and spun of exactly two hastily twisted together threads, in eye-catching colors, and slips off my hand now and then, but only when I’m not paying proper attention, in the shower, or changing clothes. This slippage is appreciated because it constantly reminds me of the purpose of the bracelet which is to stay aware, keep a positive attitude and think.

Of course, such bracelets are not for everyone. Perhaps this may be better suited for some:

This emerald ring by Cartier is a good deal heavier than my bracelet, so slippage would be a non-issue and its dazzling, sparkly color may be just what one needs to make the stupers and their idiotic antics pale in comparison. If jewelry is not your thing, how about this:

A castle with surrounding moat, (piranhas optional). This type of real estate is a surefire method to keep stupers away. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees once one leaves the castle to go grocery shopping or to the post office or other popular stuper-infested destination spots. Idiots are at large in most public arenas.

Gentlemen, I have a suggestion for you also which you may use as a reminder:

Sapphire and diamond cuff-links that decorate the end of one’s sleeves are enough to grab and keep your attention and remind you to think, not so much, “Did I actually spend almost $3000 dollars for these stunning, vintage (1940s) collectible links?”, but “It’s a good thing I bought these rare, authentic cuff-links. They remind me to appreciate the good things in life, like thinking and a positive attitude.”

And finally, for those of us who need an “in our face” reminder, by all means, try driving this:

Turbo Carreras, and similar luxury vehicles, easily take your focus off idiots, especially when in red.

These are all examples of little things we can do to remind us of the importance of keeping our peace and maintaining our sanity.

Just think why don’t you!

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com