Yesterday on the way to a meeting, I almost committed suicide. It was all because of my pilgrimage to the Ladies Room in Macy’s.
I was slightly early for my meeting, so I took an uneventful stroll through Macy’s to the restroom. When I entered, my eyes fell on something that caused me to lapse into a state of unparalleled trauma; I searched for the nearest sharp object to plunge into my chest to divert my attention from what appeared before me. All I found was a discarded Macy’s catalog and a small child waiting for her mother. The small child ran and hid behind one of the lounge chairs.
What turned my usually cheerful nature into that of torment and hopelessness was a person, or what was once a person, who stood before a full length mirror, not to brush her hair or perhaps apply a coat of lip gloss, but to reach a meaty hand down into her onion-skin-thin, black leggings to adjust who-knows-what on her Jupiter size butt.
Yes, she weighed about eight hundred pounds and her top portion was stuffed into an equally thin, black, you-guessed-it, tankini.
It was too much for a delicate person such as myself. There was an oversize stall for the handicapped, which was unoccupied, but stupers (short for unsurprisingly stupid persons) do not mind displaying stupidity in public.
As you may imagine, I stumbled out and onto the street. Due to my sudden post-traumatic stress disorder, I lost my way to the meeting. I could not remember the block where the office building I was to go to was located and found myself lost in the red-light district of Santa Barbara (now, I know that those of you who have visited Santa Barbara are thinking: there is no red-light district. In fact, as one walks on the main drag towards the posh hotels and the beach, there is an adult book store on the right hand side as well as a sketchy Thai food restaurant).
I finally came to my senses and made it to my meeting, three minutes late. But really, do we not think before we dress ourselves, at least when we step out in public?
Admittedly, I once went out in public, wearing my shirt inside-out, but in all fairness, it was at the break of dawn and one of my children was rushing me.
When we are slim, we should think before we dress, and the same goes for the times we put on weight, no matter if it’s five or five hundred pounds. And please don’t adjust your privates in an open space of any kind where there are others present. I’ve read that even the heartiest plants wilt under such conditions. Let’s keep stupidity hidden to the extent we can.