Stupidity Can Kill You and Me

The other day, after a stuper (short for a preposterously stupid person) entered my office building, wandered down its lovely, faux finished hallways to my suite, and accused my assistant of harassing him after she nicely asked, “May I help you?” I decided to take a brisk stroll, and gave my assistant the afternoon off (she deserved it, as we’d been subjected to a barrage of nonstop, sue-happy, completely idiotic callers in the legal non-profit where I work; I left a message for the people at the Guinness World Book of Records to report the phenomenon).

Alas, my walk was not stuper-free, as I came to realize: I may be the target of a hitman. Here’s why:

I waited on a street corner. When the light turned green for me to enter the crosswalk in the smallish, downtown area where I work, I hesitated before I stepped down off the curb, and it was a good thing that I did, because an SUV nearly barreled over me… during my green light.

The crosswalk  was in a medium size, one way street with two lanes; yet, I felt like I was crossing a narrow bridge over a dangerous river with deceitful whirlpools and extraordinarily turbulent waters.

After that first encounter, I bravely entered the crosswalk, stepping out one foot in front of the other and eyeing the traffic from all sides, but before I could make it to the other side, an oncoming motorist drove right through in front of me, a mere three feet away from my person, brakes optional, while I posed, shoe in mid-air. You’ve got to believe me when I tell you that I’m not invisible. Especially while wearing my ruffled, red top. Nor am I overly small, as my four inch heels elongated me, lengthening my height to roughly 6 ft. Two conclusions immediately came to mind: a stuper hired a hitman to mow me down, or 

I was part of a new reality TV show, where unsuspecting peds are nearly hit, just for giggles and ratings. Sheer genius.

The hitman option was not a viable one. First, because hitmen cost a lot of money, and neither of the cars that almost plowed me down were luxury vehicles. I would hope the price on my head would fall in the mid six-figure range.  Also, stupers lack intent. They just act and talk freely, liberally displaying their inadequacies for all to view. They could not even consider hiring an assassin, let alone purposefully behaving like one. It was more probable that I was part of a newly developed reality show. Possibly by Fox, the same folks who put on “The Little Groom,” where a group of tiny bachelorettes competed against average-sized women for the heart of a 4-foot-5 bachelor.

 Or by UBN who brought us, “Amish in the City,” where  five young Amish people were plucked from their traditional lifestyles and encouraged to live life in the city with wild abandon for our viewing pleasure.

The only reality is: stupers exist. To overcome encounters with these determinedly empty-headed beings, we must keep watch over our own minds at all times and create our own realities; not the ones they want to make us believe exists.

 Think for yourself.


5 Responses to “Stupidity Can Kill You and Me”

  1. omawarisan says:

    Love the “harassing me” line. I find most often that means “this person is causing me to have to conduct business in a manner deemed normal by society and my only defense is to claim I’m being harassed and hope I’m right.”

    or something like that.

    Please continue being alert, you are my favorite on the show.

  2. Onedia says:

    Nice to have a post from you Keli. Alas, drivers should be required to do breathing ala Thich Nhat Hahn at each red light. The law should be “stop, take an in breath and an out breath slowly repeat twice then proceed at green light” You can’t be a total stuper if you take time to pause and breath deeply .

  3. Ferd says:

    I have become hyper-alert, always on stuper lookout, largely because of your cautions and your example. On the streets, whether pedestrian or driver, I’m at risk. Stupers to the right, to the left, ahead and behind! And we’re definitely outnumbered. Sigh!

    We do have to create our own realities. You made me wonder what a stuper’s reality must be like. For a minute I tried to imagine the goings on inside the stuper mind. Couldn’t do it. It’s really hard to eliminate thoughts and logic. You have to be born without them, I guess.

  4. Elaine says:

    I really shouldn’t be surprised anymore when encountering Stupers especially when driving but sometimes I just can’t help but wonder like Ferd what is going on in their head? Like you stepping off the curb to a green light or me turning left with a left turn signal and a person turns right on red in front of me in the middle of the intersection. Are these people distracted, on the phone, or just plain stupid? My guess Stupers.

  5. Linda says:

    At least you had the satisfaction of looking fabulous in ruffles and heels when you dared to enter the crosswalk!

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