Archive for May, 2011

End of the World Stupidity

Thursday, May 19th, 2011

I’ve not been blogging regularly, but it’s not for want of subject matter. If anything, there is excess stupidity lately, and I don’t know which stuper (short for a horrendously stupid person) to tackle first.


I’m going to start with, what is certainly on most of our minds: the end of the world this Saturday, May 21st. It’s really a shame as the weather is supposed to be quite nice in Southern California this weekend, and I recently rescued a litter of tadpoles from certain death when their creekbed dried up. I don’t want my heroic efforts wasted.

Actually, it’s not the complete end, according to two well-known radio talk show sages,  Mark & Brian. But there will be major natural disasters, worldwide I presume, followed by five months of suffering, so that the actual end will occur in October. Shucks! my jack o’lantern pumpkin seeds are just sprouting.

I first heard about The End when I accidentally landed on a sketchy radio station a few months ago. I was captivated by the eerie, almost monstrous tone of the speaker. As I tried to figure out if modern science had taught a cockroach to talk, I learned the voice belonged to a stuper Preacher/radio show host. He took questions from listeners.  Keep in mind “took” does not mean “answer.” A caller asked how the good Preacher knew the date of The End. This was the Preacher’s reply:

“WHAT!? HOW DARE YOU ASK! I don’t have to answer that.” And he hung up on the caller.

At which point, I slipped in my Bad Company CD and forgot about The End.

But, as the media and the stupid among us do not permit us to maintain peace of mind for any great length of time, The End was brought to my attention again. I was asked by a gentleman passing by my office what would become of my animals when I went up to Heaven. Naturally, I was quite flattered that a stranger assumed my journey would be upwards, but nonetheless, I asked the reason for his concern, as I do love my chickens, dogs and newly acquired, object of affection: the tadpoles.

He identified himself as a member of HELLO -Help for Eternally Loved Lost Ones – an atheist group, exclusive to California, and dedicated to removing the burden of care of our precious pets as we begin the journey to the Pearly Gates.  How thoughtful, don’t you think?

Unfortunately, I was informed that due to high demand, the rates for such help had increased substantially. A small price to pay for peace of mind and security of our four legged and feathery friends (they’d not yet met my rabid, bantam rooster).  For $150, one pet at my residence would be saved. The rest would be saved at $50 per pet (keep in mind that I have about 70 tadpoles for which the generous atheist offered $20 per head or tail).

I sighed deeply at his offer, summoned up no less than forty truckloads of patience and gently informed him that he had three seconds to hightail it out before I picked up the large painting of a lovely pastoral scene behind my desk and smacked it over his hollow head (threats of violence do have their place, you know).

I haven’t seen him since. 

Think for yourself.