Archive for the ‘Miscellaneous’ Category

Stupidity and the Cell Phone

Monday, October 5th, 2009

While attending a meeting in Los Angeles a few days ago, I sat in a comfortable leather chair around a huge round table. There were about fifty of us seated plus about thirty audience members. As is customary at such proceedings, all present were firmly advised to quiet down their cell phones to avoid unnecessary interruptions and to eliminate the need to waste time spotlighting stupers (short for unflappably stupid persons). Alas, stupers love the spotlight!

Sure enough, about eight minutes into the meeting, a cellular phone rang. Then another and several severely embarrassed audience members skulked out apologetically, red-faced,  heads hanging low and muttering,

“I could have sworn I turned the damn thing off…”  “I told Mom not to call…” and “Thank God Hugh Jackman’s not around…”

These interruptions were brief, without fanfare and quickly forgotten.

Then a stuper’s phone rang. In case there was any doubt as to whom this cell phone belonged, the unmoved idiot casually stood up and answered it loudly enough to drown out those around the table speaking.

“HELLO? YEAH? WELL….”

The moderator stood up and asked the offender to step outside. Without missing a beat and still chatting loudly, the moron stepped through the open doorway, threw out her anchor and planted herself 2.2 inches just outside the room.  She continued her conversation. My chair allowed me a clear view of the stuper. I eyed her in mixed disgust and fascination.

She was slim and though likely in her sixties, dressed like a twenty-year-old (this was southern California after all) in stilettos, a tight-fitting, black and white, hounds-tooth pattern pants and…. my eyes suddenly skipped over her blouse and went straight to her hair. It was short, dyed in a shade of burnt to a crisp roasted chestnut, with two carefully curled and placed, possibly even glued, thick strands of hair in “C” or thin crescent shapes across the hollow of each cheek, curving up toward each eye. But that was not the strangest part; this was: the entire time she spoke, a jaw breaker type object rotated around the inside of her cheek. It was as if she housed a chubby gremlin in each cheek, circling the innards of one, and then the other. Needless to say, I was driven to distraction by this spectacle. It took every iota of my self-control to refocus on the meeting.

Meanwhile, the stuper was unstoppable. The moderator followed her outside, gesturing wildly to grab the idiot’s attention, but the stuper would have none of it. Finally, the conversation ended as did the display of idiocy and the counterfeit human retook her seat, to the moderator’s immense relief.

I suggest that instead of asking audience members to turn off cell phones, seats should be wired so that if any electronic devices emit a noise,(I certainly hope pacemakers are silent), the offender carrying the device will automatically receive an electric shock, say of about 50 milliampere (mA). Keep in mind 1mA is equal to the minimum current a human can feel and 100 mA is lethal if passed through sensitive portions of the body. 50 mA is a good compromise, don’t you think?

Think first, last and always.

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com

Stupidity Calls Me Away

Saturday, April 11th, 2009

My apologies, dear readers, for not assisting you lately in maintaining your sanity against random, irritating and sometimes unbelievable acts of stupidity, but I was called away on an emergency and hope to return in a few days with plenty of tales of stupidity. Thank you for your patience and until then,

Keep thinking!

Keli

Stupidity Will Be Discussed Again Shortly

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008

My dearest readers,

No, I’ve not been taken captive by a roving band of wild stupers (short for unshakably stupid persons) or fallen into a deep pothole in an effort to hurl myself out of the way of a moronic motorist. I’m just a bit behind in meeting deadlines and will be posting within the next few days. Simultaneously, I’m studying the concept of reformed stupers – do they exist or are they merely the stuff and nonsense of my imagination? We shall find out in my next installment.

Meanwhile,

‘Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. ~ Abraham Lincoln (even he was harassed by stupers).

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com

A Vote Against Stupidity

Saturday, September 20th, 2008

While the Country is in the midst of Wall Street bailouts and government negotiations to take over hundreds of billions in bad loans, I calmly and steadfastly continue to wage a ceaseless war against stupidity and stupers (short for unvaryingly stupid persons). Unfortunately, this has taken me more time than planned this past week, so in lieu of my usual post, I provide you with a news brief that features yours truly.

1.2758 of my dear 3.5 readers have questioned my bid for the Presidency. This short report should put all inquiries to rest:

http://www.news3online.com/index.php?lastname=Garson&firstname=Keli

Now you can sleep at night.

An empty head is not really empty; it is just stuffed with rubbish. Hence the difficulty of forcing anything into an empty head. ~ Eric Hoffer

Thinking takes effort.

Keli@counterfeithumans.com

Awards Time

Sunday, August 17th, 2008

I feel very beary special today and at the same time, ready to act like a kick ass blogger, thanks to Ferd of The Best Parts blog who kindly awarded me not one, but two thoughtful accolades, both of which are very much appreciated. Many thanks, Ferd!

Some of my favorite people are of the enthusiastic variety, including Husband, Arnold Schwarznegger (in a nonpolitical way) and Ferd. If you haven’t had a chance to visit Ferd’s blog, please do, as his enthusiasm is quite catchy. It’s hard not to leave without a smile, whether you’re reading about his Craigslist experience or his reliving his formative years with Earth, Wind and Fire (the band, not the elements).

I’d like to pass these awards on to all on my eclectic blogroll, each of whom is beary special and can definitely kick-ass!

Next time: How I almost committed suicide by falling in a hole the size of a dinner plate, according to a stuper (short for a brazenly stupid person).

Think!

Keli

Keli@counterfeithumans.com

One in A Million Friend Award

Thursday, March 13th, 2008

 

When I first joined the Blogosphere, some eight months ago, one of my first, very supportive blogging friends was the talented Dawn from Twisted Sister. Her compliments and words of support meant a lot. Today she has honored me by bestowing, The One in a Million Friend Award which I very much appreciate. It’s a lovely feeling to know that someone out there thought of you in such a nice way.

Thank you, Dawn!
Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

I Give Stupidity a Swift Kick

Monday, January 28th, 2008

I’m throwing out stupidity today on its empty head to make room for an award given to me from the excellent New Diva on the Blog at Say Anything:
Excellent

I’ve always had a soft spot in my vocabulary for the word “excellent.” Perhaps because it’s everything stupidity is not. Which brings to mind all the excellent and intelligent blogs I’m going to pass this award on to: Julianne at AnotherGrayHair, Agnes at HexMyEx, Mary at Motherwise, Wendy at My Musings, Dan at MyDen, Starlily at The Active Life, Flowers on a Friday, Mikster at Reality is Overrated and Maribeth at Moments and Memories.

These are just a few of the blogs I regularly read and enjoy. Thank you, New Diva, for this wonderful award, and thank you to all who read my blog. I very much appreciate your taking the time to pay me a visit.

Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. ~ Mark Twain

Keli
Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Holiday Stupidity

Saturday, December 22nd, 2007

I’d like to acknowledge just a small sampling of thinking, non-stupers (short for persons who actually exercise thought prior to speaking or acting) that I come across over the course of a day lest you think I only tango with the inane:

  1. I just love my hairdresser, Brad. My hair had gotten a bit longer than usual, just past shoulder length when I saw him today. His first words to me: “You look like a nineteen year-old!” If you’ve read my “about” page, you know I passed nineteen a few years ago. Brad’s second words to me: “And look how slim you’ve gotten!” Need I say more?
  2. I had to develop my digital photo disk at the local drug store. I’d never done so as it is my older son’s job, so I felt a bit grumpy about doing it myself (though I am usually exceptionally good-natured). I waited for the customer in front of me to finish – she must have developed over 7000 prints – and at long last, it was my turn. While I examined the directions for operating the machine, a store employee materialized next to me. “I’m here to help you,” she said, softly. I had just been thinking I wish I had help (Why couldn’t I have wished to win the lottery instead?). I very much appreciated her thoughtful aid.
  3. At the local deli today, the crowd seemed a little unruly. One of the workers behind the counter yelled, “Who’s next?” When no one stepped forward, yours truly raised her hand. The worker came to my assistance when I suddenly noticed that the other customers had taken numbers and were waiting their turns. “I didn’t take a number,” I informed the man helping me. A gentleman (and I use this term in the strictest possible sense) stepped forward from the crowd and said, “You can have mine. I’ll just wait.” What unselfish thought! What chivalry!

Such examples are plentiful. I could easily carry on, but it’s not acts of kindness we need help in managing; it’s the stupid among us.

Several times today, I heard people making excuses for rude, thoughtless behavior by saying, “It’s just that time of year.” I disagree. I think stupidity is stupidity all year long, anytime, anyplace. It’s just more noticeable when the rest of us are rushing about, harried and anxious.

The grocery store was crowded, and I myself was guilty of dashing to and fro, somersaulting from aisle to aisle (that maneuver may explain my current lower back ache), leaping over freestanding, waist-high, cardboard ads in order to gather items I needed so I could hurry up and get the hell out of there. As I strolled over to the cashier, I noticed Woman #1 walk in front of a shopping cart pushed by Woman #2. #2 looked like an overinflated balloon, ready to burst any moment.

As #2 braked to a halt, #1 said very nicely,

“Excuse me,”

“Forget it. I saw you zig zagging all over the place,” #2 said loud and clear. Then as an afterthought (I mean an additional piece of nonsense) she added, “It’s just that time of year.”

Stupers readily make idiotic (as opposed to intelligent) excuses for their own ridiculous behavior. They’ve yet to learn that it’s easier to be kind and much less wearing than acting stupidly.

Thinking brings satisfaction to all.

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Philosophical Stupidity Plus the “I’m Fabulous” Award

Saturday, December 1st, 2007

It was Rene Descartes who said, “I think, therefore I am.” I’ve always run into a bit of brain bruising in pondering this philosophical slice of reasoning. It is said that the meaning of this statement is, “I think, therefore I exist.”

Since minimal, if any, thought takes place for stupers, (short, yet again, for woefully stupid persons) do stupers exist? Or are they merely figments of our boundless imaginations? Did I invent the stuper today who made the U-turn in a narrow, but very busy street, cutting off two cars and nearly knocking a fire hydrant over? This requires in depth analysis, I’m afraid.

René Descartes (1596–1650)

 

Meanwhile, I contend that something was lost in translation from Descartes’ original French, “Je pense, donc je suis,” to the Latin, “Cogito ergo sum,” and finally to the English. I strongly believe (and research surely would back me up) that what Descartes truly meant to say was, “I think, therefore I’m not.” Obviously, this refers to the fact that if one can think, one is not a stuper. Can’t you just see Rene strutting about, twisting the ends of his mustache, while uttering that profound and wondrous pronouncement?

On to awards: a big thank you to Starlily at The Active Life for awarding me the:


Starlily has a fabulous blog herself on maintaining wellness in life. She offers a variety of intelligent tips on health and fitness. I apologize yet again for my tardiness in picking up this prize, but I got sidetracked several times on the scenic route to Canada. Many thanks, Starlily!

I’d like to pass this award on to one of my favorite blogs whose site provides very amusing personal and candid tales from a talented writer: Julianne of Another Gray Hair.

Once more, for the road: I think, therefore I’m not. (Apologies to the descendants of Descartes for my philosophical liberties).

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

8 Little Known Facts or Stupidity Goes MIA

Saturday, November 24th, 2007

While I was busy pondering which case of stupidity I should next discuss, I was tagged by Mary at Motherwise to do a meme. Although I’ve looked up the definition of meme, had it explained to me with great care, and have even been quizzed on it using flash cards, I am still uncertain as to its exact meaning. What I do know is I’m going to reveal 8 little known facts about me:

1. I’m nearsighted and have been since the age of thirteen.

2. Although I’m exceedingly vain and don’t like to wear glasses, the mere thought of lasers, shiny tools, and suction rings (yes, I am a coward) conjures up visions of being strapped to a table and writhing under a blinding light while unseen voices whisper about me. Hence my myopic vision continues. I alternate between glasses, contacts and viewing the world through a lens that appears to have been coated in Vaseline. That’s good for people around me as physical flaws are nonexistent.

3. To make up for the physical flaws I can’t see, mental flaws are magnified.

4. I have an uncanny ability of killing off houseplants. I haven’t figured out whether it’s homicide or suicide as I have a knack of subjecting them to stressful situations.

5. I’m devoted to nursing plants back to health that I’ve almost killed. Here are pictures of one prime example:


6. I volunteer once a week at the local library, good girl that I am.

7. Although I fervently disavow big city life and its hordes of intellectually undernourished, counterfeit humans, I visit the city often. But I’m sure to make contemptuous remarks upon exiting.

8. I am a procrastinator. But I have a good reason for being one: I work best under pressure.

There you have it! Eight little known facts that probably should remain just that: little known. Thanks again to Mary for giving me a much needed day off stupidity! Whew! It can be exhausting. Now it’s my turn to tag bloggers to reveal 8 little known facts about themselves – Dawn at Twisted Sister, Agnes at HexMyEx and footiam at Beautiful World.

Keep thinking!

Keli
Keli@Counterfeithumans.com