One in A Million Friend Award

March 13, 2008 by Keli.

 

When I first joined the Blogosphere, some eight months ago, one of my first, very supportive blogging friends was the talented Dawn from Twisted Sister. Her compliments and words of support meant a lot. Today she has honored me by bestowing, The One in a Million Friend Award which I very much appreciate. It’s a lovely feeling to know that someone out there thought of you in such a nice way.

Thank you, Dawn!
Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Miscellaneous | No Comments »

I Give Stupidity a Swift Kick

January 28, 2008 by Keli.

I’m throwing out stupidity today on its empty head to make room for an award given to me from the excellent New Diva on the Blog at Say Anything:

I’ve always had a soft spot in my vocabulary for the word “excellent.” Perhaps because it’s everything stupidity is not. Which brings to mind all the excellent and intelligent blogs I’m going to pass this award on to: Julianne at AnotherGrayHair, Agnes at HexMyEx, Mary at Motherwise, Wendy at My Musings, Dan at MyDen, Starlily at The Active Life, Flowers on a Friday, Mikster at Reality is Overrated and Maribeth at Moments and Memories.

These are just a few of the blogs I regularly read and enjoy. Thank you, New Diva, for this wonderful award, and thank you to all who read my blog. I very much appreciate your taking the time to pay me a visit.

Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. ~ Mark Twain

Keli
Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Miscellaneous | 4 Comments »

Holiday Stupidity

December 22, 2007 by Keli.

I’d like to acknowledge just a small sampling of thinking, non-stupers (short for persons who actually exercise thought prior to speaking or acting) that I come across over the course of a day lest you think I only tango with the inane:

1. I just love my hairdresser, Brad. My hair had gotten a bit longer than usual, just past shoulder length when I saw him today. His first words to me: “You look like a nineteen year-old!” If you’ve read my “about” page, you know I passed nineteen a few years ago. Brad’s second words to me: “And look how slim you’ve gotten!” Need I say more?
2. I had to develop my digital photo disk at the local drug store. I’d never done so as it is my older son’s job, so I felt a bit grumpy about doing it myself (though I am usually exceptionally good-natured). I waited for the customer in front of me to finish - she must have developed over 7000 prints - and at long last, it was my turn. While I examined the directions for operating the machine, a store employee materialized next to me. “I’m here to help you,” she said, softly. I had just been thinking I wish I had help (Why couldn’t I have wished to win the lottery instead?). I very much appreciated her thoughtful aid.
3. At the local deli today, the crowd seemed a little unruly. One of the workers behind the counter yelled, “Who’s next?” When no one stepped forward, yours truly raised her hand. The worker came to my assistance when I suddenly noticed that the other customers had taken numbers and were waiting their turns. “I didn’t take a number,” I informed the man helping me. A gentleman (and I use this term in the strictest possible sense) stepped forward from the crowd and said, “You can have mine. I’ll just wait.” What unselfish thought! What chivalry!

Such examples are plentiful. I could easily carry on, but it’s not acts of kindness we need help in managing; it’s the stupid among us.

Several times today, I heard people making excuses for rude, thoughtless behavior by saying, “It’s just that time of year.” I disagree. I think stupidity is stupidity all year long, anytime, anyplace. It’s just more noticeable when the rest of us are rushing about, harried and anxious.

The grocery store was crowded, and I myself was guilty of dashing to and fro, somersaulting from aisle to aisle (that maneuver may explain my current lower back ache), leaping over freestanding, waist-high, cardboard ads in order to gather items I needed so I could hurry up and get the hell out of there. As I strolled over to the cashier, I noticed Woman #1 walk in front of a shopping cart pushed by Woman #2. #2 looked like an overinflated balloon, ready to burst any moment.

As #2 braked to a halt, #1 said very nicely,

“Excuse me,”

“Forget it. I saw you zig zagging all over the place,” #2 said loud and clear. Then as an afterthought (I mean an additional piece of nonsense) she added, “It’s just that time of year.”

Stupers readily make idiotic (as opposed to intelligent) excuses for their own ridiculous behavior. They’ve yet to learn that it’s easier to be kind and much less wearing than acting stupidly.

Thinking brings satisfaction to all.

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Holiday Stupidity, Plain Old Fashioned Stupidity, Miscellaneous | 11 Comments »

Philosophical Stupidity Plus the “I’m Fabulous” Award

December 1, 2007 by Keli.

It was Rene Descartes who said, “I think, therefore I am.” I’ve always run into a bit of brain bruising in pondering this philosophical slice of reasoning. It is said that the meaning of this statement is, “I think, therefore I exist.”

Since minimal, if any, thought takes place for stupers, (short, yet again, for woefully stupid persons) do stupers exist? Or are they merely figments of our boundless imaginations? Did I invent the stuper today who made the U-turn in a narrow, but very busy street, cutting off two cars and nearly knocking a fire hydrant over? This requires in depth analysis, I’m afraid.

 

Meanwhile, I contend that something was lost in translation from Descartes’ original French, “Je pense, donc je suis,” to the Latin, “Cogito ergo sum,” and finally to the English. I strongly believe (and research surely would back me up) that what Descartes truly meant to say was, “I think, therefore I’m not.” Obviously, this refers to the fact that if one can think, one is not a stuper. Can’t you just see Rene strutting about, twisting the ends of his mustache, while uttering that profound and wondrous pronouncement?

On to awards: a big thank you to Starlily at The Active Life for awarding me the:

Starlily has a fabulous blog herself on maintaining wellness in life. She offers a variety of intelligent tips on health and fitness. I apologize yet again for my tardiness in picking up this prize, but I got sidetracked several times on the scenic route to Canada. Many thanks, Starlily!

I’d like to pass this award on to one of my favorite blogs whose site provides very amusing personal and candid tales from a talented writer: Julianne of Another Gray Hair.

Once more, for the road: I think, therefore I’m not. (Apologies to the descendants of Descartes for my philosophical liberties).

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Miscellaneous | 4 Comments »

8 Little Known Facts or Stupidity Goes MIA

November 24, 2007 by Keli.

While I was busy pondering which case of stupidity I should next discuss, I was tagged by Mary at Motherwise to do a meme. Although I’ve looked up the definition of meme, had it explained to me with great care, and have even been quizzed on it using flash cards, I am still uncertain as to its exact meaning. What I do know is I’m going to reveal 8 little known facts about me:

1. I’m nearsighted and have been since the age of thirteen.

2. Although I’m exceedingly vain and don’t like to wear glasses, the mere thought of lasers, shiny tools, and suction rings (yes, I am a coward) conjures up visions of being strapped to a table and writhing under a blinding light while unseen voices whisper about me. Hence my myopic vision continues. I alternate between glasses, contacts and viewing the world through a lens that appears to have been coated in Vaseline. That’s good for people around me as physical flaws are nonexistent.

3. To make up for the physical flaws I can’t see, mental flaws are magnified.

4. I have an uncanny ability of killing off houseplants. I haven’t figured out whether it’s homicide or suicide as I have a knack of subjecting them to stressful situations.

5. I’m devoted to nursing plants back to health that I’ve almost killed. Here are pictures of one prime example:

6. I volunteer once a week at the local library, good girl that I am.

7. Although I fervently disavow big city life and its hordes of intellectually undernourished, counterfeit humans, I visit the city often. But I’m sure to make contemptuous remarks upon exiting.

8. I am a procrastinator. But I have a good reason for being one: I work best under pressure.

There you have it! Eight little known facts that probably should remain just that: little known. Thanks again to Mary for giving me a much needed day off stupidity! Whew! It can be exhausting. Now it’s my turn to tag bloggers to reveal 8 little known facts about themselves - Dawn at Twisted Sister, Agnes at HexMyEx and footiam at Beautiful World.

Keep thinking!

Keli
Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Miscellaneous | 7 Comments »

Award Time

October 23, 2007 by Keli.

Thank you to Dawn at Twisted Sister for giving me the “Blogging That Hits the Mark!” Award. I’m afraid I took my sweet time in picking up this accolade, and I apologize. I hit a lot of traffic on the way to Canada. But I am very honored as Dawn hosts one of my favorite blogs.

 

There are many blogs that hit the mark for me so it’s challenging to pick just one to pass this award on to. I think I will bestow it on two: Starlily, who hits the mark for me with her great information on health and well being on The Active Life, and New Diva on the Blog at Say Anything who offers many meaningful, random musings.

As if this wasn’t enough, Dawn then added me to her “Community Blogger Award” list. More thanks to her! My virtual awards shelf is something I’m very proud of! Thank you for thinking of me!

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Frank Zappa

Just think!

Keli

Posted in Miscellaneous | 4 Comments »

Friday Fantasy of Stupidity

October 19, 2007 by Keli.

I’m going to indulge in a bit of Friday fantasy. In my world, existing rules are as easily bendable as the tentacles on a squid. The Powers That Be are sympathetic toward those authentic humans who must take stupidity in their own hands. The imagination may be utilized to eradicate (or at least have a little fun with) the meager minded. It’s agreed that stupers (once again, short for substantially stupid persons) must be dealt with swiftly and effectively and with as little trauma as possible to the victim.

My Reality: In an office building, I entered a ladies room with two stalls. One is occupied. Before I could even possibly consider opening the door to the other I heard,

“Anything you say to me is completely confidential.”

I wondered what made this stranger think I needed to talk to her and what she expected me to say. I then heard noises that were only tolerable when escaping from the bottom of a baby. Your own baby, that is. She continued, “Look, be at the Courthouse tomorrow at nine for the deposition.”

Aha! Multitasking stuper on cell phone in public restroom stall in the middle of conducting business while attending to necessary bodily functions. Poor thing had mistaken the toilet for a porcelain Lazyboy recliner.

At this point, the speaker flushed the toilet; she raised her voice several octaves and decibels in case people on neighboring floors couldn’t hear her and explained, “If you do it right, you’re gonna be able to take him for everything he owns. You’re gonna be a rich woman!”

My Fantasy: I yelled, “Shut up!” I heard applause from other unfortunate members of her captive audience in the hallway and offices next door. Holding a hankie to my nose with one hand, I closed my eyes and yanked open her door with my other hand. I reached out and blindly ripped the cell phone from her ear, tossed it over the top of her stall and heard the resounding and highly satisfying splash into the neighboring toilette. More applause ensued. I left knowing that the hollow headed person would probably not use a cell phone in this manner again.

There you have it. My 3.5 readers are welcome to submit their own Friday Fantasy tales starring their very own personal stuper(s) who get justly rewarded in a fitting way.

Keep thinking!

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Miscellaneous | 9 Comments »

Stupidity Steps Aside for Moi

October 7, 2007 by Keli.

It’s all about me today (if you ask my teens, it’s always about me). I was tagged by Flowers on a Friday to reveal ten random facts about myself. Most of this blog is fueled by multitudinous random facts about me so I’ll make it brief. Since I do live in Southern California, I’m going to ask for a little aid from a few celebrities to give this tag a bit of star quality. Here goes:

1 . I went to junior high and high school with Paris Hilton’s ma.

2. I once ran after Tom Selleck after I spotted him strolling down the street in Beverly Hills. That’s just what I do when I see incredibly handsome men. He was quite charming.

3. My first job (at which I failed miserably) was as a holiday gift wrapper. My deepest apologies to all who thought Santa’s drunken elves were at play. Thank goodness, I married a wrapper.

4. I’ve been to three KISS concerts, front row and center, not as a fan, but as a guest of my sister, who is a three star general in the KISS army.

5. I love jelly doughnuts.

6. I was an extra in the movie, Sideways. Thankfully, I ended up on the cutting room floor.

7. I attended a luncheon in a Beverly Hills restaurant when some guy walked in wearing cool shades, jeans, a dress shirt and sneakers. My immediate thought was, “What a wannabe!” It was Ryan Seacrest.

8. I love films from the thirties and the forties.

9. I have two dogs and six retired show chickens.

10. I once almost fell into a deep coma after my car broke down. Not because I was ill or hurt, but because the tow truck driver persisted in speaking in double and even triple negatives. For instance, “The car scarcely needs no oil,” “I ain’t never done nothin’ to nobody,” and “I ain’t got nobody nohow.” Sheer torture.

I’m not much at game playing so any readers who’d like to play tag, please feel free to join in and reveal ten random facts about yourself on your blog. If I can do it, anyone can.

Just think!

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Miscellaneous | 10 Comments »

Stupidity in Progress

September 29, 2007 by Keli.

Yesterday, in a fit of writer’s rebellion, I refused to write. Instead, I thought I’d peruse a foot-high pile of long neglected magazines. My intensely focused research and examination of stupidity hardly leaves me time for frolic and detour, but sometimes, it’s a must. I started by reading the cover headlines: 

“99 Ways to Look Super,” “Be Prettier,” “Get Gorgeous,” (What makes them think I don’t already look pretty damn good?) “Lose Weight Without Dieting,” “A Food Lover’s Guide to Weight Loss,” “Sweat Free Ways to Lose Weight,” ”How to Turn Him On,”  “Sexy Sex,” “Sexy Exercise,” “Get Fit,” “Flat, Sexy, Tight,” “Get in a Better Mood,” ”Get Happy,” ”Get Ecstatic,” and “Diseases You’re Likely to Get.”

These came from the covers of four magazines geared toward women. Do you notice any patterns? That’s right. I need to subscribe to a wider variety of periodicals. And if I write an article about looking good, losing weight, better sex, altering attitudes, up and coming diseases,  or any reasonable combination of the foregoing, it’ll likely get published.

Then I picked up a few magazines geared toward writers. The main topic of each was “Writer’s Block.”

WARNING: I am going to make a statement that may lead many of my dear readers to declare, “Just as I suspected. Keli is a stuper.” (Short, for a decidedly stupid person).  If any of you suffer from a heart ailment, dizziness, back pain or believe you may be pregnant,  please step away from your computer screen now or close your eyes and find the little X with your mouse.  My statement: 

I don’t believe in Writer’s Block.

I think it’s part of a vast conspiracy of published authors to keep novice or jittery writers from pursuing a literary career. Just before I graduated law school, I was told by one and all: “There are too many lawyers already.” “You’ll never get a job in the entertainment biz.” “You must work for a law firm first.” “Blah, blah, blah.”  I refused to work for a law firm as I discovered in law school that I really didn’t care for lawyers or their firms. I was exceedingly fortunate. Thanks to an exceptional, saintly attorney (not an oxymoron in this case) who took me under her wing, I went straight to a studio job. Why am I telling you this? So that you don’t believe everything you hear or read; otherwise, you may find yourself becoming a stuper. Just because a magazine or other seemingly reliable source tells you that you may be unhappy, overweight or that something cannot be done, or may be done only in a certain way, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily so.

Back to Writer’s Block. Does it exist? I think it occurs only because sometimes, we don’t feel like writing. After all, if we were motivated, we wouldn’t be blocked.

Each magazine provided the same basic formula for overcoming blockage:

• Use a journal to jot down ideas;
• Break down the task into tiny pieces;
• Try writing exercises;
• Set deadlines and keep them; or
• Start in the middle.

Perhaps these tips do help some writers get motivated, and if so, that’s simply grand. However, I’ve found the strategies listed below to be personally more useful. I’d like to humbly share my means of kick-starting my writing when I’m not in the mood:

• Take a shower (I believe I could write the Great American Novel if only I could do all of my dictation and writing from within my shower walls. This is a great source of mental stimulation.)
• Switch gears (Instead of trying to write, make friends with your vacuum by using it, do the dishes, exercise or work in the garden; sometimes these mindless tasks elicit a flurry of creativity.)
• Read (Someone else’s book or a magazine may generate a new idea. I wrote Stupidity Grows Obese  after reading a chapter of The Scarlet Letter. Sounds improbable, but true.)
• Do something you’ve never done before. (I tried weed whacking my back field; I managed to eradicate all errant weeds in a square foot strip, ripping only one pant leg in the process and requiring just a few stitches above one knee, before becoming sufficiently motivated to return to my literary pursuits.)
• Keep the vision in your mind of how marvelous you’ll feel when it’s done.
• Go out among the masses (for heaven’s sake, if this doesn’t give you stuff to write about, nothing will).

Stupers are adept at focusing on what’s missing in their lives and on what can’t be done. Neither of which promotes motivation or inspiration. Be patient with yourself and realize everything starts with a little thought and desire, both of which are easily within our reach.

Don’t stop thinking!

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com  

Posted in Miscellaneous | 7 Comments »

Stupidity - Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

September 24, 2007 by Keli.

Today, I will address the questions most often asked by my 3.5 readers regarding stupidity:

Have you documented the number of stupers (short, once more, for indubitably stupid persons) walking the earth today?

• Yes. Renowned stupidity expert, Walter B. Pitkin, author of A Short Introduction to the History of Human Stupidity (Simon & Schuster, 1932), estimated that 4 out of 5 people are stupers (that’s over four billion today). I am a little more optimistic; my studies revise that figure to 3.9 out of 5.

Do you have a degree in stupidity?

• No. I have a bachelor’s degree in P.S. (Political Science) in which I discovered, I had no great interest or talent. I like to think that P.S. stands for Prodigious Stupidity, a major that really should be offered in larger universities or at least, in correspondence schools.

Have you ever been stupid?

• Many times. But my recent slips thankfully affect no one but myself. For instance, I just visited the local college student store to buy books for my older son. I noticed students milling about, wearing lost and frustrated expressions, miserably unable to find what they searched for. I, genius that I am, immediately located what I needed and made my way to the cashier. As I climbed up two flights of stairs to buy the books, I thought of how brilliant I was.

“It’s wonderful to be smart!” I announced to no one in particular.I reached one arm over the opposite shoulder and proceeded to pat myself resoundingly on the back. As I patted away, I looked down at my very cute Jimmy Choo sandals; I picked up speed, taking two steps at a time; I suddenly felt exceptionally nimble and athletic. (Insert theme from Chariots of Fire here). Then…I fell flat on my face, onto the hard concrete stairs. What is the likelihood of falling up the stairs? 100% when acting like a stuper.Is stupidity hereditary?

• No specific gene has been linked to stupidity. However, scientists are working ‘round the clock and believe a breakthrough is near. My research indicates that offspring are not born stupid. It depends on the amount of influence one or both stupid parents exert over the child vs. the child’s natural ability to self-cultivate awareness.

Is that really a picture of your hair in “Stupidity Wears Stripes?”

• No. My braid was much longer.

Does stupidity hurt?

• Yes and no. Yes as far as the victims are concerned, but no as far as the stuper goes. If only stupidity did hurt the perpetrator, fewer people would engage in it.

Is there medication for stupidity?

• Not yet. I am experimenting daily with various drugs, using myself and a few carefully chosen subjects, as voluntary guinea pigs. We hope to have something on the open market soon. A small clinic in Boligrafo, Chile may be operational next spring.

Do you give private consultations?

• I give private or public consultations, at no charge. My reward lies in obliterating stupidity, one stuper at a time.

Can someone who suffers from stupidity run for public office?

• Yes. It’s quite common and perfectly acceptable.

Is the affliction of stupidity reversible?

• Yes. All it takes is a little awareness and a bit of careful thought. It can happen. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Not so for a person who has never practiced either one. That’s why I have recently applied for a patent for my newly developed method of stupidity busting called, “Jolt the Dolt.” Meanwhile, thinking, capable, authentic humans must diligently exercise positive, vigilant thought; stupers might take to mimicking per the herd of sheep mentality. What one does, the rest must do also. There is always hope.

Keep thinking!

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com 

Posted in Miscellaneous | 8 Comments »