Archive for the ‘Miscellaneous’ Category

Award Time

Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007

Thank you to Dawn at Twisted Sister for giving me the “Blogging That Hits the Mark!” Award. I’m afraid I took my sweet time in picking up this accolade, and I apologize. I hit a lot of traffic on the way to Canada. But I am very honored as Dawn hosts one of my favorite blogs.

 

There are many blogs that hit the mark for me so it’s challenging to pick just one to pass this award on to. I think I will bestow it on two: Starlily, who hits the mark for me with her great information on health and well being on The Active Life, and New Diva on the Blog at Say Anything who offers many meaningful, random musings.

As if this wasn’t enough, Dawn then added me to her “Community Blogger Award” list. More thanks to her! My virtual awards shelf is something I’m very proud of! Thank you for thinking of me!

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Frank Zappa

Just think!

Keli

Friday Fantasy of Stupidity

Friday, October 19th, 2007

I’m going to indulge in a bit of Friday fantasy. In my world, existing rules are as easily bendable as the tentacles on a squid. The Powers That Be are sympathetic toward those authentic humans who must take stupidity in their own hands. The imagination may be utilized to eradicate (or at least have a little fun with) the meager minded. It’s agreed that stupers (once again, short for substantially stupid persons) must be dealt with swiftly and effectively and with as little trauma as possible to the victim.

My Reality: In an office building, I entered a ladies room with two stalls. One is occupied. Before I could even possibly consider opening the door to the other I heard,

“Anything you say to me is completely confidential.”

I wondered what made this stranger think I needed to talk to her and what she expected me to say. I then heard noises that were only tolerable when escaping from the bottom of a baby. Your own baby, that is. She continued, “Look, be at the Courthouse tomorrow at nine for the deposition.”

Aha! Multitasking stuper on cell phone in public restroom stall in the middle of conducting business while attending to necessary bodily functions. Poor thing had mistaken the toilet for a porcelain Lazyboy recliner.

At this point, the speaker flushed the toilet; she raised her voice several octaves and decibels in case people on neighboring floors couldn’t hear her and explained, “If you do it right, you’re gonna be able to take him for everything he owns. You’re gonna be a rich woman!”

My Fantasy: I yelled, “Shut up!” I heard applause from other unfortunate members of her captive audience in the hallway and offices next door. Holding a hankie to my nose with one hand, I closed my eyes and yanked open her door with my other hand. I reached out and blindly ripped the cell phone from her ear, tossed it over the top of her stall and heard the resounding and highly satisfying splash into the neighboring toilette. More applause ensued. I left knowing that the hollow headed person would probably not use a cell phone in this manner again.

There you have it. My 3.5 readers are welcome to submit their own Friday Fantasy tales starring their very own personal stuper(s) who get justly rewarded in a fitting way.

Keep thinking!

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Stupidity Steps Aside for Moi

Sunday, October 7th, 2007

It’s all about me today (if you ask my teens, it’s always about me). I was tagged by Flowers on a Friday to reveal ten random facts about myself. Most of this blog is fueled by multitudinous random facts about me so I’ll make it brief. Since I do live in Southern California, I’m going to ask for a little aid from a few celebrities to give this tag a bit of star quality. Here goes:

1 . I went to junior high and high school with Paris Hilton’s ma.

2. I once ran after Tom Selleck after I spotted him strolling down the street in Beverly Hills. That’s just what I do when I see incredibly handsome men. He was quite charming.

3. My first job (at which I failed miserably) was as a holiday gift wrapper. My deepest apologies to all who thought Santa’s drunken elves were at play. Thank goodness, I married a wrapper.

4. I’ve been to three KISS concerts, front row and center, not as a fan, but as a guest of my sister, who is a three star general in the KISS army.

5. I love jelly doughnuts.

6. I was an extra in the movie, Sideways. Thankfully, I ended up on the cutting room floor.

7. I attended a luncheon in a Beverly Hills restaurant when some guy walked in wearing cool shades, jeans, a dress shirt and sneakers. My immediate thought was, “What a wannabe!” It was Ryan Seacrest.

8. I love films from the thirties and the forties.

9. I have two dogs and six retired show chickens.

10. I once almost fell into a deep coma after my car broke down. Not because I was ill or hurt, but because the tow truck driver persisted in speaking in double and even triple negatives. For instance, “The car scarcely needs no oil,” “I ain’t never done nothin’ to nobody,” and “I ain’t got nobody nohow.” Sheer torture.

I’m not much at game playing so any readers who’d like to play tag, please feel free to join in and reveal ten random facts about yourself on your blog. If I can do it, anyone can.

Just think!

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Stupidity in Progress

Saturday, September 29th, 2007

Yesterday, in a fit of writer’s rebellion, I refused to write. Instead, I thought I’d peruse a foot-high pile of long neglected magazines. My intensely focused research and examination of stupidity hardly leaves me time for frolic and detour, but sometimes, it’s a must. I started by reading the cover headlines: 

“99 Ways to Look Super,” “Be Prettier,” “Get Gorgeous,” (What makes them think I don’t already look pretty damn good?) “Lose Weight Without Dieting,” “A Food Lover’s Guide to Weight Loss,” “Sweat Free Ways to Lose Weight,” “How to Turn Him On,”  “Sexy Sex,” “Sexy Exercise,” “Get Fit,” “Flat, Sexy, Tight,” “Get in a Better Mood,” “Get Happy,” “Get Ecstatic,” and “Diseases You’re Likely to Get.”

These came from the covers of four magazines geared toward women. Do you notice any patterns? That’s right. I need to subscribe to a wider variety of periodicals. And if I write an article about looking good, losing weight, better sex, altering attitudes, up and coming diseases,  or any reasonable combination of the foregoing, it’ll likely get published.

Then I picked up a few magazines geared toward writers. The main topic of each was “Writer’s Block.”

WARNING: I am going to make a statement that may lead many of my dear readers to declare, “Just as I suspected. Keli is a stuper.” (Short, for a decidedly stupid person).  If any of you suffer from a heart ailment, dizziness, back pain or believe you may be pregnant,  please step away from your computer screen now or close your eyes and find the little X with your mouse.  My statement: 

I don’t believe in Writer’s Block.

I think it’s part of a vast conspiracy of published authors to keep novice or jittery writers from pursuing a literary career. Just before I graduated law school, I was told by one and all: “There are too many lawyers already.” “You’ll never get a job in the entertainment biz.” “You must work for a law firm first.” “Blah, blah, blah.”  I refused to work for a law firm as I discovered in law school that I really didn’t care for lawyers or their firms. I was exceedingly fortunate. Thanks to an exceptional, saintly attorney (not an oxymoron in this case) who took me under her wing, I went straight to a studio job. Why am I telling you this? So that you don’t believe everything you hear or read; otherwise, you may find yourself becoming a stuper. Just because a magazine or other seemingly reliable source tells you that you may be unhappy, overweight or that something cannot be done, or may be done only in a certain way, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily so.

Back to Writer’s Block. Does it exist? I think it occurs only because sometimes, we don’t feel like writing. After all, if we were motivated, we wouldn’t be blocked.

Each magazine provided the same basic formula for overcoming blockage:

  • Use a journal to jot down ideas;
  • Break down the task into tiny pieces;
  • Try writing exercises;
  • Set deadlines and keep them; or
  • Start in the middle.

Perhaps these tips do help some writers get motivated, and if so, that’s simply grand. However, I’ve found the strategies listed below to be personally more useful. I’d like to humbly share my means of kick-starting my writing when I’m not in the mood:

  • Take a shower (I believe I could write the Great American Novel if only I could do all of my dictation and writing from within my shower walls. This is a great source of mental stimulation.)
  • Switch gears (Instead of trying to write, make friends with your vacuum by using it, do the dishes, exercise or work in the garden; sometimes these mindless tasks elicit a flurry of creativity.)
  • Read (Someone else’s book or a magazine may generate a new idea. I wrote Stupidity Grows Obese  after reading a chapter of The Scarlet Letter. Sounds improbable, but true.)
  • Do something you’ve never done before. (I tried weed whacking my back field; I managed to eradicate all errant weeds in a square foot strip, ripping only one pant leg in the process and requiring just a few stitches above one knee, before becoming sufficiently motivated to return to my literary pursuits.)
  • Keep the vision in your mind of how marvelous you’ll feel when it’s done.
  • Go out among the masses (for heaven’s sake, if this doesn’t give you stuff to write about, nothing will).

Stupers are adept at focusing on what’s missing in their lives and on what can’t be done. Neither of which promotes motivation or inspiration. Be patient with yourself and realize everything starts with a little thought and desire, both of which are easily within our reach.

Don’t stop thinking!

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com  

Stupidity – Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Monday, September 24th, 2007

Today, I will address the questions most often asked by my 3.5 readers regarding stupidity:

Have you documented the number of stupers (short, once more, for indubitably stupid persons) walking the earth today?

  • Yes. Renowned stupidity expert, Walter B. Pitkin, author of A Short Introduction to the History of Human Stupidity (Simon & Schuster, 1932), estimated that 4 out of 5 people are stupers (that’s over four billion today). I am a little more optimistic; my studies revise that figure to 3.9 out of 5.

Do you have a degree in stupidity?

  • No. I have a bachelor’s degree in P.S. (Political Science) in which I discovered, I had no great interest or talent. I like to think that P.S. stands for Prodigious Stupidity, a major that really should be offered in larger universities or at least, in correspondence schools.

Have you ever been stupid?

  • Many times. But my recent slips thankfully affect no one but myself. For instance, I just visited the local college student store to buy books for my older son. I noticed students milling about, wearing lost and frustrated expressions, miserably unable to find what they searched for. I, genius that I am, immediately located what I needed and made my way to the cashier. As I climbed up two flights of stairs to buy the books, I thought of how brilliant I was.

“It’s wonderful to be smart!” I announced to no one in particular.I reached one arm over the opposite shoulder and proceeded to pat myself resoundingly on the back. As I patted away, I looked down at my very cute Jimmy Choo sandals; I picked up speed, taking two steps at a time; I suddenly felt exceptionally nimble and athletic. (Insert theme from Chariots of Fire here). Then…I fell flat on my face, onto the hard concrete stairs. What is the likelihood of falling up the stairs? 100% when acting like a stuper.Is stupidity hereditary?

  • No specific gene has been linked to stupidity. However, scientists are working ‘round the clock and believe a breakthrough is near. My research indicates that offspring are not born stupid. It depends on the amount of influence one or both stupid parents exert over the child vs. the child’s natural ability to self-cultivate awareness.

Is that really a picture of your hair in “Stupidity Wears Stripes?”

  • No. My braid was much longer.

Does stupidity hurt?

  • Yes and no. Yes as far as the victims are concerned, but no as far as the stuper goes. If only stupidity did hurt the perpetrator, fewer people would engage in it.

Is there medication for stupidity?

  • Not yet. I am experimenting daily with various drugs, using myself and a few carefully chosen subjects, as voluntary guinea pigs. We hope to have something on the open market soon. A small clinic in Boligrafo, Chile may be operational next spring.

Do you give private consultations?

  • I give private or public consultations, at no charge. My reward lies in obliterating stupidity, one stuper at a time.

Can someone who suffers from stupidity run for public office?

  • Yes. It’s quite common and perfectly acceptable.

Is the affliction of stupidity reversible?

  • Yes. All it takes is a little awareness and a bit of careful thought. It can happen. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Not so for a person who has never practiced either one. That’s why I have recently applied for a patent for my newly developed method of stupidity busting called, “Jolt the Dolt.” Meanwhile, thinking, capable, authentic humans must diligently exercise positive, vigilant thought; stupers might take to mimicking per the herd of sheep mentality. What one does, the rest must do also. There is always hope.

Keep thinking!

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com 

Awards Galore!

Monday, September 24th, 2007

My humble thanks to the great Brit Wit (sorry, I couldn’t resist),  Agnes of HexMyEx, for awarding me the prestigious Rockin’ Girl Blogger Award. I hope she will forgive me for taking my time in picking it up, but after all, the UK is not exactly right next door. Agnes’ blog is such a splendid read that I am hooked and feel let down if I don’t visit daily. I am honored that she deemed my blog worthy. I’d like to pass this on to another blog I visit regularly and who happens to be one of my original visitors:  Another Gray Hair.  Julianne manages to transform the ordinary into the fully engaging. A must read.

 

 I’ve also been awarded the Blogging Star from both Daria Black and Katie. Two more humble thanks from me to them. I’m grateful to have those two in my readership. And it is a pleasure visiting their blogs.

I accept these awards while sincerely hoping my viewers are actually entertained and that they leave with useful suggestions for dealing with the vacant minded.

I pass this Star Award on to two of my more recent visitors,  Happily Anonymous  (never a dull moment) and Motherwise (chock full of excellent advice), both of whom are always fun and enjoyable reads. My thanks to one and all!

Don’t stop thinking!

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com 

Totally Fabulous

Wednesday, September 12th, 2007

Pushing stupidity aside for a few moments, I’d like to thank the brilliant Twisted Sisters for including me as a recipient of the Totally Fabulous Award. It is indeed an honor to be acknowledged by them. They are positively fabulous!

Sojourn for Stupidity

Saturday, September 1st, 2007

Alas! I’ve been summoned to study stupidity in sand and surf studded Southern California with sons and spouse, and to scrutinize the social and statistical significance of sound repetition. In short, I’m away today and will return speedily with A Case of Mistaken Stupidity.

May I recommend one of my earliest posts and favorites – my first entry under “Religious Stupidity” for those brilliant readers who haven’t yet read.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.                    Elbert Hubbard

Just think!

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Comment on “Comments”

Monday, July 9th, 2007

I’ve been getting questions on the “Comments” section: namely, how do you leave one?

Go to the bottom right of the post you wish to comment about. Place the mouse on the word “comment” and press. Then give your name (real or otherwise) and email address (I promise not to publish it); you may skip the part about website (unless you have one you’d like to include), and finally, the most complex part of this blog: the last box. It gives you two numbers to add. You really do add them together and place the sum in the box. Isn’t that incredible? Almost too simple. In fact, if my brilliant webmaster didn’t live with me, I’d still be trying to figure that one out. This minor math is to make sure you are a real, live, genuine, thinking human, and not a figment of my imagination or a piece of machinery.

Talk to you soon!

Keli