December 12, 2007 by Keli.

When you’re driving along and hear the warning siren of an approaching ambulance or emergency vehicle, this means a specific course of action must be taken. Cars should pull over and out of the way, safely. Unfortunately, sometimes this simple feat may prove overwhelming for a certain type of person. This means an unappealing possibility may be about to unfold: A stuper (short again for an unproductively stupid person) may be at large and about to make his/her presence known.

When I hear the blare of the siren, I move off to the side. My side, that is. Cars around me usually do the same, respectively. It’s heartwarming to see each driver, voluntarily and with different degrees of finesse, part the flow of traffic to allow emergency aid through.

However, once in a while, there’s that one unaware, empty headed motorist that continues right on moving until he’s practically shoved out of the way. Or there’s that other idiot driver who performs a different, though equally appalling act of singular stupidity. This latter motorist is often right behind me or a few cars back; he believes (mistakenly, of course) that he’s devised a brilliant plan to get ahead. If not in life, at least in traffic.

Once the emergency vehicle is gone, courtesy dictates that each car retake its original spot as before. However, opportunistic stupers perceive the sequence of events differently. They see it as a time to get ahead. Before the back lights of the ambulance are within his sight, the stuper decides to overtake all the suckers waiting patiently on the side in front of him, thereby moving up to the head of the pack. This means that conscientious drivers who are attempting to merge back in, must suddenly swerve to the side to avoid the stuper who has practically locked lips with the ambulance’s rear bumper.

Not anymore.

I suggest investing in a smoke grenade (retailing for around $11.95) that emits a thirty second miniature cumulus type cloud making it a handy companion for putting a halt to this type of vehicular stupidity. It comes in five appealing shades: white, red, yellow, green or blue. All an alert driver needs to do is keep watch on the vehicles behind him. Should said driver spot an overeager stuper, he may toss the smoke grenade out his window. And poof! The stuper’s misdirected ambition comes to an abrupt halt.

Just think!

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Vehicular Stupidity | 5 Comments »

October 29, 2007 by Keli.

Since it’s Halloween time, I thought I’d better come up with a haunting tale of stupidity. But then I realized every encounter with stupidity is scary.

As I drove down a narrow highway, I heard, then saw in my rear-view mirror, the flashing red lights of a fire engine racing along a short distance behind me. I also glimpsed a car, obviously operated by a stuper (short for a nincompoop, i.e., a stupid person). I say, “obviously” because although four vehicles ahead of me and I pulled over to the shoulder to allow the fire truck passage, the stuper’s vehicle plodded along ignoring the siren and lights. The dolt passed me, and he passed the car in front of me, before finally pulling aside.

Maybe “pulling aside” are the wrong words. He ambled over to the shoulder, then despite the fact that additional engines were fast approaching, this stuper decided to return partially into the lane to better view the crises.

I was fascinated yet disgusted by this wantonly outrageous behavior. Stupers believe their curiosity overrides an emergency situation.

Driving came to a standstill to permit the emergency vehicles to get by. Since it was difficult to watch the action from behind the wheel, this denizen of stupidity got out of his car. He then stood partly in the lane that the fire engines sped through, again to better view the disaster. The engines had to swerve a bit to avoid hitting him. Ah! Just a few more tiny steps out, and he might have been squashed.

I happened to have a camera on me. I took a photo in order to capture the expression and demeanor of a counterfeit human in progress. I’m afraid that I wasn’t close enough to capture anything more than the mere essence of this human embodiment of stupidity. I apologize, but I was unwillingly to leave my car and wander into the opposing lane just to take the stuper’s photo, even for my dear readers. However, I clearly saw the look of a stuper at work as he turned toward me to see if he was missing any action behind him.

Please indulge my attempt at describing this personification of stupidity:

• Subject’s eyes were wide open, but glazed over and limited in scope (meaning he stared at the same place for some time before turning away);
• Brows slightly raised indicated a possibly permanently imbued stunned look;
• Mouth cracked open. I’ve noticed the mouths of many such people gape this way often providing a natural habitat for gnats and small flies. I speculate that this occurs because brain waves do not fully circulate or circulate at all. Consequently, the mouth is not given instructions regarding closure;
• Physical movements were slow and haphazard since little, if any, thought transpired;
• Blinking of the eyes happened at less frequent intervals than people of medium intelligence and higher.

Barring any medical conditions, drugs or alcohol forming the crux of such physical traits, the above describes the general physical attributes of a typical stuper.

I found myself haunted by the inane expression worn by this feeble minded fellow. So when it came time to carve a pumpkin for Halloween, this is what I ended up with:

A near perfect rendering of the hollow headed highway stuper.

Men can live without air a few minutes, without water for about two weeks, without food for about two months - and without a new thought for years on end. ~Kent Ruth

Just think!

Keli
Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Vehicular Stupidity | 3 Comments »

October 25, 2007 by Keli.

Once again, I’m going to indulge in a little reality mixed with fantasy regarding one of my latest encounters with stupidity:

Reality:

I’m driving straight on a narrow highway, both hands lightly gripping the steering wheel, eyes riveted on the road, good citizen that I am. There are two cars in front of me, and behind me….wide open space.

The speed limit is fifty-five mph; I drive somewhere around sixty. I watchfully maintain a safe distance from the car in front of me. The sky is blue. Birds are twittering. The fields are sprouting new green growth. How lovely! I sigh a deep sigh of tranquility.

Just ahead and to my right, I spot a pick-up truck, sliding to a stop from a side road. When I am almost close enough to make out the color of the driver’s eyes, he sharply turns, directly in front of me, forcing me to slam on my brakes.

Take note again, dear readers, that behind me, the lane was clear all the way to the next county. Maybe even to the next state. All the stuper (short for a phenomenally stupid person) had to do was wait three whole seconds for me to pass. Instead, he cut me off and took nearly four minutes to bring his car to to a whopping thirty-five mph.

The moronic motorist was neither an elderly person nor a teenager. I suppose that when one views the world through a straw, as stupers do, cutting another person off comes quite naturally.

Fantasy:

Besides being a wife, mom, chauffeur, cook, laundress, gardener, punching bag for testy teens and sewing challenged seamstress, I’d like to add sharpshooter to my domestic repertoire. Then I would have taken careful aim at the pick-up truck. Not because I am eager for a little blood and guts; I just want to shoot out a couple of back tires. You know, as a token reminder to mentally deprived drivers to practice a little awareness and courtesy next time. Either that, or I’d like to be an active member of the Highway Patrol; just for one day.

As a bonus, I’d like to share a stupidity alert, thoughtfully sent to me by New Diva on the Blog :

This appeared on Rantings of a Creole Princess:

A company supervisor called Walmart and ordered a cake for a going away party. Here’s what he told the Walmart employee to put on the cake, “Write ‘Best Wishes Suzanne.’ Underneath that, ‘We will miss you.’”

Unbeknownst to the supervisor, he had placed his order with a stuper. Here’s what he got:

Isn’t it freaky the way some brains work (or don’t work)? If I didn’t see it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t believe it possible.

Keep thinking!
Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Vehicular Stupidity, Plain Old Fashioned Stupidity | 9 Comments »

September 6, 2007 by Keli.

Just when I thought I was granted a reprieve from writing about idiots on our nation’s highways, yet another fantastic feat of lunacy took place right before my eyes. This time however, cars and drivers were not the featured fools. The spotlight was on the walking witless.

I’ve noticed that there are two kinds of pedestrians: The Trusting and the Cautious. 

The Trusting have complete and utter faith in drivers. Not unlike the kamikaze squirrels of country roads who dodge across mere seconds before tire tramples tail. I’m certain that if I asked a pedestrian of the Trusting variety if I could borrow his/her credit card for a little while to buy my sick brother a hot water bottle, my request would be readily granted, no questions asked. The idle minded are the ones who feel there’s no need to look before crossing. No worries. The driver will see me.

The Cautious perpetually glance around to make sure danger is nonexistent. Traffic is checked and re-checked before action is taken. They may even chastise drivers who fail to follow proper rules. Pedestrian pursuits are followed only after safety is ensured.

Yesterday, I drove on a highway that flaunts colorful fields of zinnias, marigolds and sunflowers along one side. Tourists often stop and take photographs of this picturesque stretch. 

I proceeded at fifty-nine mph (slightly above the speed limit of fifty-five), when onto the busy highway, about one hundred yards in front of me, stepped a figure in a broad rimmed straw hat. At no time did I see this person’s face;  her head was turned in the opposite direction, which meant that she hadn’t bothered to look for me either. Watching her easy, carefree gait, I slammed on my brakes, as did the line of cars behind me.

Should I have anticipated her little foray into traffic? One minute she was hugging a sunflower and the next, she was on the road. I study people’s minds (or the vacancy therein); I am not a fortuneteller.

While I waited for her to move, (she’d paused to admire a weed inhabiting the asphalt), I glanced across to the opposite side of the highway. Parked on the shoulder, a companion awaited the return of the lady. An indulgent smile played on his lips, head half-cocked. He seemed unaware that traffic swerved to avoid his lady friend’s saunter back to the vehicle. I’ve always believed like attracts like. This case provided evidence. Meager minds attract meager minds.

I’d like to say that I got out of my car, kicked the stuper (short for an exasperatingly stupid person) in the butt, knocking off her straw hat while hastening her toward  her nearby destination. My only purpose would be to see if there was a gaping hole beneath the straw hat where her brain should be. 

The rest of the way home I wondered why this hollow head crossed the highway without looking. Was she suffering from a crick in the neck that made it painful to turn her head? Was her simple-minded companion watching out for her? Or was she just plain old-fashioned stupid?

A few days prior, a similar incident occurred just before I drove straight across an intersection during a green light. A ped decided to exercise his freedom of expression by diagonal crossing directly in front of me. Since I was the first car out, I saw him coming and waited. He never once glanced in my direction. I shook my head for so long, I made myself dizzy.

I’ve read that role models are sorely lacking in today’s society. I disagree. I think there are role models everywhere. Though not necessarily all positive ones.

Stupers provide us with compelling instances of how not to behave. I believe I’ve learned at least as much from people who’ve caused me frustration and pain as from the ones who’ve provided me with stellar examples. Stupers exist to remind us of the importance of thinking.

Don’t stop thinking!

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Vehicular Stupidity, Plain Old Fashioned Stupidity | 2 Comments »

September 4, 2007 by Keli.

Nowhere on earth is there displayed a greater amount of human stupidity vying for notice than on the roadways. Our highway system is tainted by stupers (yet again, short for unquestionably stupid persons).

I read that we utilize only about five percent of our brainpower. I did some research and discovered that stupers, on the road, utilize only .0000000000001% of such brainpower. A large part of the mind is in hibernation.

Example One:

A car enters the freeway. However, instead of carefully merging into the nearest lane when safe to do so, the driver performs a sideways maneuver, in a fairly flawless horizontal line, across three lanes and into the highly coveted fast lane. Undoubtedly, he does this with eyes closed, as he pays no heed whatsoever to other vehicles. I am very grateful that no one is adversely affected. Amused maybe. Possibly clenching their teeth in frustration. But thankfully, unharmed.

Once this new arrival reaches the speed-soaked fast lane, he proceeds to take up knitting. Of course, I have no way to prove this other than by observing that while other cars drive at speeds exceeding seventy-five mph, this self-proclaimed, misbegotten leader of an immediately disgruntled pack, slows to fifty-five mph. A long line of cars forms behind him. But does he notice? No, for that would require awareness and thought, both of which are blatantly missing.

Do you agree that the fast lane is for drivers in a hurry? And who choose to drive with quickness and alacrity? It’s also for those who may wish to do a quick pass and resume in the second lane. If you disagree, please do not read the next example.

Example Two:

I am in the second lane behind an SUV. All vehicles in surrounding lanes easily pass me. Why does the SUV insist on demonstrating his sluggardly skills?

When safe, I pass him on the left. As I do, I notice the car in front of the SUV: a pile of hastily taped together, discarded-automobile-parts has virtually dropped anchor, driving at a whopping speed of forty mph.  And he manages to maintain a perpetually blinking left turn signal. What a multi-tasking jokester! Meanwhile, the SUV locks lips on the junker’s fender.

After I pass, I notice an astonishing phenomenon: the clunker with the blinking light is serious. He moves into the fast lane, at forty mph….and just about parks his car.

Is the fast lane for cruisers? Is it for sightseers who want to ensure they miss no action on the opposing side? Is it for the injured, damaged or carelessly looked after cars? Should vehicles with dysfunctional engines sit in the fast lane to garner attention to their plight? NO! (I apologize if you were accosted by a sudden gust of wind emitting from my yell).

It is not possible for me to explain the mental workings (or lack thereof) of a stuper sitting unabashedly in the fast lane in the space provided here. Instead, I suggest that each one of us authentic, thinking beings, treat every such obstacle with the patience and perseverance of the caterpillar climbing the mountain. And if subjected to the abruptly amusing, yet disheartening displeasure of witnessing such a profoundly stupid spectacle, laugh. Then laugh again. It is truly hilarious. If necessary, use soothing language to calm any disturbances to your psyche or soul.

Thoughts rule the world.

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Vehicular Stupidity | 7 Comments »

August 28, 2007 by Keli.

Last night I lay awake, pondering the relationship between the average car horn and stupers (that’s right - short for those aggravating stupid persons). I determined that the two were made for each other.

It started on a recent trip to Los Angeles. I walked with a group of people in a well-marked, clearly designated crosswalk on Wilshire Blvd. Even if you were blind, you’d feel its very presence.

Before making a right turn, a Ford Mustang patiently waited, at a red light,  for pedestrians to complete their trek to the other side. Smog was light. Shopping was plentiful. Life was good.

Suddenly, a silver Lexus stopped behind the Mustang and leaned on its horn for about the length of time it takes an average person to peel an apple.  In Los Angeles, people don’t just tap or beep, they lean and blow like contestants vying in an Olympian horn honking competition. One look at the Lexus driver’s half-smiling, half-silly face  showed me that this was no emergency. It was just a stuper enjoying his toy (insert expletive here).

I once read that a car horn should be used the same way as you would use your voice.  Just what was the Lexus telling the Mustang driver?

“What the hell are you waiting for? Turn those peds into pancakes already!”

The lengthy ear-splitting honk only made me want to plant my feet firmly to the confines of the crosswalk and take up the stride of a three-legged tortoise. Somehow, I managed to cross without incident. 

Was there a possibility that the Lexus motorist didn’t see the fifty or so people walking during what was a green light for them and a red one for him? (Insert banshee-like shriek here; don’t forget your earplugs).

Minutes later, at an entirely different intersection with different cars, I heard it again: this shrill blare took so long that I considered the possibility that the automobile sound mechanism went haywire. The horn must have either broken or been part of some sort of alarm. But in fact, a car was stopped at a red light. Behind it sat a queue containing six vehicles. Motorist number six was doing the honking. The lead car had failed to press the accelerator petal during the .005 seconds allotted to move once the light turned green.

Where I live, in the quiet countryside, people do not use their horns. I’m not kidding. Yesterday, I sat behind two cars, waiting to make a right, onto a highway. When the light turned green, the motorist upfront dozed comfortably and unaware. I could almost make out the pillow behind his head. Quail quietly crossed the street, squirrels took their sweet time stopping in the middle of the highway and snacking on nuts. No one honked.  Not even me. Eventually, the motorist awoke from his dream-state and moved.

Was the napping driver a stuper? No, just someone who had stepped away from reality for a moment or two or three and returned the moment he realized his mistake. It was not for us to punish him. Using the horn is a deliberate choice. In this instance, we simply chose not to.

Were the honk-happy L.A. motorists stupers? Yes! They lacked the necessary survival virtues of patience and awareness. They regarded their cars as suits of armor. While wearing the suit (or in this case, sitting in the car,) they maintained an air of false bravado. Remove them from the vehicle, and it’s a different story.

The car horn is a safety device used by intelligent, aware drivers to warn others of sudden situations. Our job is to use it only when necessary. It is not a tool or toy to be misused by stupers. Living in the country has shown me that using a little patience and courtesy helps me maintain my sense of well-being and keep the stupers away.

Thinking is a choice!

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Vehicular Stupidity | 4 Comments »

August 17, 2007 by Keli.

Why do some people drench themselves in overpoweringly pungent, nostril hair-burning perfume so that we must smell them coming? Why do others bellow into their cell phones while flushing the toilet in a public bathroom stall, behaving as if they were in a private phone booth? And most importantly, why do people tailgate? Yes, you are correct. People engage in such feats of stupidity because they are…stupers (short once again, for those astonishingly stupid persons).

Let’s discuss tailgaters.  But first, let’s discard those who purposefully, impatiently tailgate, as that requires thought and planning. I refer to the ones who mindlessly drive nose to bumper. Serial tailgaters, if you please.

I often drive on a winding, somewhat mountainous highway. One end leads to a ritzy, French Riviera style beach community. The other end lands at a pastry paradise-slash-Toon Town type tourist destination. As you may imagine, this highway is well traveled. And I am tailgated three out of five times. The speed limit is fifty-five miles per hour.   

Mindless tailgaters appear rather suddenly, whether I drive fifty-five or eighty-five mph(which I never do as that would be over the limit), and they stick to my rear bumper for no apparent reason. Tempting as it is to quick-slam on my endearingly sensitive, immediately responsive brakes, and then gleefully race away to teach the imbecile behind me a lesson, I can’t. I am a worthy role model for my children; I cannot allow them to see their mother behaving in such a manner, delightful as it may be for me. I just patiently wait for the dolt behind me to move into the passing lane. 

Just yesterday, a small truck closely followed me, heat-seeking, homing torpedo style. I drove sixty-two mph.  Please note that I have no bumper stickers for casual, while-you-drive reading nor is my rear bumper uniquely attractive. Yet, the tailgater persisted. The passing lane stretched out lonely and ignored; the truck didn’t budge. Its lips locked on my fender. I dropped my speed just a little.  Suddenly the truck driver awoke out of his stuper trance,  passed me and moved on.  

I think, as a whole, many people live a habitual, mindless rush of life. Thinking is virtually obsolete. These dimwitted drivers are mostly oblivious to the fact that they are tailgating.

Why is it necessary to stay close to the car in front? Perhaps these drivers experience insecurity in this big, scary world, particularly on the highways. Hence, the need to be attached to another by way of tailgating.

So what should we thinkers do? I like to leave plenty of room between the upfront driver and myself so that I may confidently brake, if necessary, in ample time. Especially if there’s a driver behind me who needs to establish some sort of connection. So rather than complain about the vacant minds floating about, let’s roll up our sleeves and practice diligent thought and patience. Maybe then, the meager minds will follow suit per the herd of sheep mentality: What one does, the others must do also. 

Thought turns the gears of life.

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Vehicular Stupidity | 3 Comments »

August 10, 2007 by Keli.

There are three levels of stupidity:

1.  Pathetic stupidity (ongoing, seemingly endless);                                                      2.  Occasional stupidity (once in a while); and                                                               3.  Elusive stupidity (doesn’t come easily).

Most of the circumstances profiled on this blog are of level one stupers (yes, short again, for those vexatious stupid persons). Today, we’ll take a look at the other two levels of stupidity.

I am driving along behind a black Porsche, at a safe distance on a highway. The Porsche slows down and continues for several hundred yards. It almost comes to a stop. Suddenly, it turns right. What’s wrong with this picture? No turn signal was used. Why?

A. The driver was part of a government experiment in mind reading;                             B. Using a turn signal is an invasion of a motorist’s privacy;                                          C. Those little bulbs are expensive to replace and not covered by the car’s warranty; or  D. The driver was a stuper.

If anyone out there has a problem finding the correct answer to this pop quiz, please email me.

Almost every time I drive, even a few miles, I come across a clandestine turn signaler. I wait patiently for a car to go straight (isn’t that what no turn signal indicates?). Instead, the mischief-maker makes a left or right.

These motorists suffer from an increasingly common malady: Turn Signal Deficit Disorder (TSDD). The principle symptom is the inability to use the turn signal. Secondary symptoms consist of: poor concentration; distraction by irrelevant sights (i.e., mailboxes, tennis shoes hanging from a telephone line); inattention to details of driving; and impulsively making turns without exercising thought. This disorder crosses all class lines. I’ve seen everyone from Mazda to Mercedes drivers forgo the use of turn signals.

I decided to interview a person whom I believed was a fully recovered TSDD sufferer - my mother. But, alas, I drove with Mom yesterday and found it wasn’t so. Mom is definitely not a level one or even a level two person. But I must mention her here because of her brief battle with TSDD.

About 300 feet from her home, Mom needed to make a left. She did not use the turn signal. I mentioned to her that my next blog entry was about TSDD. Then a mile later, at a red stoplight, she again neglected to use her turn signal.

“Why?” I asked in disbelief. She’d been so good for so long.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she flippantly replied. “I just didn’t think about it, I guess.”

Key word: “think.” I don’t know what caused Mom’s backward slide so I patiently explained to her:

“A thinking person, like yourself, uses her signal, realizing that since we can’t actually speak to other drivers, the signal acts as an alternative means of communication. The only means. Let’s say I stepped into a bank, walked up to a teller and gave him/her the silent treatment. That is akin to not using a turn signal, don’t you think?” (Key word used again).

This silent treatment at a bank could be construed as an annoyance or misconstrued as grounds for pushing the “don’t-panic-but-we-are-being-robbed” button. Not using a turn signal could have similar consequences.

As an intelligent person, Mom recovered quickly. For the remainder of our two-hour journey, she consistently used her signal and voiced frustration when others did not. I was proud of her.

I think most TSDD sufferers are not necessarily full-time stupers. For some reason, the turn signal does not properly register in the mind as being useful or necessary. Hence, these are typically not level one stupers, though they can be.

Although I feel certain that medication is in the works for TSDD, for now there’s only one cure: Motorists must think and drive with full awareness. Is this likely to happen? No. But as each one of us thinkers focuses on his/her own driving, we sharpen our mental skills and pay less attention to the idiots-at-large. This helps us maintain a proper perspective which in turn trickles down to all aspects of our lives.

Don’t stop thinking!

Keli

Keli@Counterfeithumans.com

Posted in Vehicular Stupidity | 6 Comments »

July 23, 2007 by Keli.

If you drive a motor vehicle, bicycle or have engaged in pedestrian pursuits, it’s probable that you’ve been accosted by vehicular stupidity. It is inevitable, especially in city driving because of the sheer largesse of the number of vehicles out there. Even at the gas pump, a stuper (short, yes, for stupid person) could be lurking in a nearby car ready to spread annoyance and obstruct intelligence as in this example:

I pulled into a gas station; all pump stations were occupied. Fortunately, two drivers in one row turned on their engines. The first car drove off; an obvious signal to me that the way was clear for the second car to follow suit and for me to then pull forward.

I patiently waited for the second car to leave. A minute lapsed during which time the driver frequently glanced in his rear view mirror at me, at passers-by, other cars, pedestrians, a crow chomping on a potato chip and clouds drifting through the sky. His engine, remember, idled on.

Was he going to leave or pull forward or what? There was not quite enough room for me to pull around him. I wondered, does time pass differently for a stuper or was I just being impatient?

After almost three full minutes, I slowly attempted to ease my vehicle around his so that I could use the front pump. My car was cumbersome, but I managed. I got out and stared at the driver. The expressionless man regarded me briefly while he sat in his car. His mouth was slightly ajar, eyebrows raised perpetually in surprise. He maneuvered around my car about two minutes later and finally left.

What should I have done?

1. Taken out a baseball bat that I kept handy in my back seat and swung a little sense his way;
2. Driven across the street to the used car lot, borrowed the Hummer sitting out front, returned and forced him out of my way (all of which I could have easily managed in the time that he was sitting there);
3. Gone up to his car window and politely asked him to leave; or
4. Moved to another station.

ANALYSIS:  

If the driver intentionally kept me waiting, stupidity was not at work. Intent requires thought and purpose, neither of which exists for a stuper. I believe this fellow suffered from a hindering lack of awareness stemming from a head that was mostly hollow (nothing therein properly worked, like a car running without wheels). In retrospect, I would have been better off following D. No one should be forced to witness such sheer stupidity.

Keep thinking, 

Keli

Posted in Vehicular Stupidity | No Comments »